It's not fair!
by diabolique
Summary: The story is set after the end of the first series where Tamahome is reincarnated as Taka. Why did Tamahome and Miaka get the chance to be together if the Byakko no miko and Tatara were denied? A story centered around the Miaka Tamahome relationship.
1. why us?

It's Not Fair

   This entire story is based on random thoughts that I had after the end of the 1st series.  I haven't written before and this story happens to be my first attempt. I've spent a lot of time online (not good, cause I use vsnl. Sigh! How I long for cable net………) reading other stories and trying to decide what I wanted to do with a story when I ultimately wrote it. I generally prefer not to write fan fiction cause it's much harder to go along set patterns of a story than come up with something completely new and off the top of your head. I read a bunch of stories and I have to admit to worshipping some of the authors I've found. I wanted to wait to write so that when I ultimately came up with a story it would be original and not just a repeat of something that someone else wrote. So, this is my effort. Try not to be too harsh with me… I'm new (puppy dog eyes).  If this story is a repeat of what anyone else has written, I'm sorry but I can't think of anything else so I'm going ahead with it anyway.

Disclaimer: - I do not own any of these characters. Don't sue me cause my Dad's a really mean lawyer and I'll sic him on you.

Chapter one

   It's been two years since I met him again. My warrior… my protector. I almost can't believe that our love was actually strong enough to re-unite us outside the book. I knew that we loved each other with all our hearts but I didn't really think we would be given the chance that was denied the Byakko no miko and her love. I mean, what made us so different? Suzaku may be the God of love but I don't really think that Byakko would be mean enough to just stand by and make them suffer through all those years apart if it was possible to reunite them. And they surely suffered just as much as we did, if not more. So, the question is..… Why us? Why did we get the chance to be united in the real world?

   Two years and I still haven't figured out the answer. I guess I'm afraid to look too deeply, to find out that it may have just been a mistake and that he's going to be taken away from me, back into the book. I don't think I'd survive being separated from him this time round. I know that I'm strong enough to survive anything but I don't think I would come out of that disaster whole. I know that he's not worried. He barely remembers that life. His memories center more on me – protecting me, loving me. When I tried to remind him of the others with subtle hints he looked at me like I was crazy. Of course claiming that I was scared of the water and then trying to set him on fire would have made anyone think I was a little insane. Or the time that I spent three hours in front of the mirror on one of our dates exclaiming over my beauty. To be fair though, he didn't get much of a chance to voice his reaction over Keisuke's laughter. I still have to get him back for that one…

   So what makes us so different? I guess I'll never know. At one time I would have asked Yui but our friendship still seems strained. While I don't blame her at all, I get the feeling that she's still afraid that one day I'll turn around and lash out at her. And her scars don't help at all. I tried pretending like nothing had happened but all she would do then was sit in the corner of the room quietly and rub at her wrists or touch her ear where that little blue stud still sits. That blue-eyed bastard really did a number or her. I wish I could go back and change all of that. I'd never have taken my uniform off, never! But I can't change the past. I know that seeing me with Taka can't be easy either. I mean, I came out of that book whole, with my best friend and the love of my life by my side. What did she get? Not much other than bad memories. Still, at least she's making some progress. She smiles more now and she's finally agreed to go out with Tetsuya. Maybe it'll all be better soon.

   I can't help wondering though… why were we so different? I guess I'll never know…


	2. Yui's date

Chapter 2  
  
It was time.  
  
Yui took one last look in the mirror and drew a deep breath before turning to look out her window. Tetsuya leaned against his car patiently. He looked up and smiled reassuringly at her. She tried to smile back but it came out like more of a grimace. Miaka sat in the corner of her room chatting happily about the movie that they were planning to watch. Yui felt like she was about to throw up. She didn't want to watch a movie, she didn't want to go out and most of all... she didn't want to wear this dress! It was way too short. What if the elastic suddenly stopped working? She would be sending out all the wrong signals!  
  
Yui headed for her cupboard. Miaka watched her and sighed. "Here we go again". Yui was way too nervous to be thinking rationally but at least she wasn't thinking about the past, about the time when she thought that her life was as good as over because of... Miaka shook off those thoughts. There was no need to ruin the mood. Yui stood in the corner in a black t- shirt and a pair of jeans practically vibrating with nervous energy. Miaka decided that it was way past time that they got on their way. She grabbed Yui's hand and bulldozed her way downstairs, pausing only to wave at Mrs. Hongo and assure her that Yui would be back at a decent hour.  
  
Downstairs, Tetsuya was smart enough to complement Yui without being too effusive. Miaka discovered Taka in the back seat snoring softly. She yanked him out and sent the two on their way, ignoring the grin from Tetsuya and the pleading looks that Yui was shooting her. The two of them would hit a popular ramen house instead and give Tetsuya a little room to work. Miaka sniggered at the memory of Tetsuya practicing his lines in front of the mirror in Keisuke's room yesterday. Most of them were way too cheesy to ever work but maybe they would help break the ice.  
  
Yup, things were definitely getting better. She threaded her arm through Taka's and walked on teasing him about his cat-nap. She was dancing about with glee and laughing at his face after making a joke about how Tamahome had Tama which meant cat. Until she saw the bright headlights of a car dead ahead. Then suddenly she felt a body hit hers, shoving her to the side. The next thing she felt was the ground rushing up to meet her and the blackness closed in. 


	3. back in the book?

Big thanks to all the reviewers. I really appreciate the support. It's probably not deserved... but I appreciate it anyway.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
It was so dark. Miaka groaned in her head "I've done it now." She tried to force her eyes to open but they refused. In fact, she couldn't move her body at all..! She was just starting to panic when she saw a large red light in front of her eyes.  
  
"Oh no! I'm going back in the book. Am I going back into the book? Why am I going back into the book? If I'm going into the book then shouldn't Taka be with me? Wait a minute! I didn't even touch the book! Why am I back in the book if I didn't touch it!" she wailed. "This is all so unfair! I didn't even go near the blasted book! Hey, I wonder what Chichiri and Tasuki are up to..."  
  
"Miaka! Hey Miaka! You're not in the book! The sun's just shining in your eyes cause I opened the curtains", a voice said. Miaka took a minute to process the fact that she wasn't going into the book. She took the next minute to process the fact that Taka was obviously safe and sound cause he was grumbling in the background about stupid magic books and women who don't look both ways before dancing off the pavement. Her brother was also here because he had just stopped her panic fit. So, the question was - why couldn't she open her eyes? Unless they were already open! Was it possible -?  
  
"I'm blind!" she wailed. Keisuke and Taka shared a moment of exasperation. How could one girl be so silly? She hadn't even opened her eyes before wailing that one. Not that she really could open them much considering the shiners she had. Keisuke didn't know how it was possible, but Miaka always seemed to dramatize the moment.  
  
"Miaka, you can't really open your eyes right now. They're too swollen. You must have blocked the fall of your head with your fists or something cause you have two huge black eyes" Taka explained patiently. Miaka thought about that before asking quietly, "How bad is it?"  
  
Keisuke grinned at his sister's boyfriend as he turned to him with a pleading, half-panicked look in his eyes. This was definitely a time when tact and decision-making were called for and Taka was in the hot seat. It could possibly be one of those 'am I less attractive than that girl?' or 'does this outfit make me look fat?' questions. On the other hand, it was possible that she truly wanted to know the extent of her injuries. But which option was it? Or was it that she wanted him to reassure her that she was still beautiful despite her injuries? Should he pretend that the marks were barely noticeable? But wouldn't she see through that? Choosing the wrong option would mean a very angry Miaka. What to do? What to do?  
  
The next thing Miaka heard was the slamming of a door and her brother's laughter.  
  
"Taka?" 


	4. bedridden boredom

   Once again, big thanks to all the reviewers. I realize that my chapters have been a little short up until now. Hopefully, this one will be longer. Let me know if this works. I'm not much on descriptive writing but this is my best shot. By the way, I've decided that Miaka never told Taka that Yui was also in love with Tamahome in the book. Seriously speaking, I just don't think she would ever bring it up. It would be an inexcusable breach of privacy for Yui who probably had a lot to deal with anyway.

Chapter 4

   Sunlight filtered through open windows only partially shaded by white lace curtains that fluttered gently in the breeze. The room was extremely tidy and had been done in pale cream and brown tones and the furniture was all pale mahogany to match. The room appeared basically empty except for the single occupant in the bed. 

   Miaka lay on her bed at home studying her room. The room was so clean that it could have passed military standards. Ever since her mother had heard about the accident, she had taken to cleaning the house as a way of ridding herself of the after-effects of the tension she had suffered. That and worshipping Taka like a hero. This meant that not only was Miaka stuck in her room but also that there was nothing to stare at. Her mother had polished everything so much that the glare was practically blinding Miaka anyway. She had taken to staring at the pale cream walls and planning what she would do to make her room more interesting when her family finally stopped acting like dictators and handed the controls of her life back to her. "Yellow….. I think I'll paint the ceiling yellow. That's a nice sunny color. It would be so pretty and I could….." she murmured to herself. She had been propped up in bed for so long that she felt like she was going insane! A heavily blushing Yui had come by to tell her all about her date a few days ago but that was the last bit of excitement that she had encountered. She had tried escaping the house a couple of days ago but Keisuke had caught her every time and the one time she actually got all the way to the main door, she walked into it by mistake. Not for the first time Miaka cursed herself for being prone to these sudden fits of clumsiness. 

   "I don't understand it. It's not like I'm growing anymore so it can't be because of that. Maybe I have an ear infection. Maybe I should get it checked out cause otherwise I won't be able to travel on a plane. And if I can't travel on a plane, I won't be able to make quick journeys. And I can't go everywhere by cars, busses or trains cause I'll get motion sick after a while. What about after I marry Taka? He might want to take me somewhere romantic like Paris or Venice or something and I won't be able to go because of my middle ear infection. Then we'll have to cancel the honeymoon of our dreams and go to some small town nearby. I probably wouldn't mind much but Taka may…" she rambled on, "and then he might regret my not checking out this possibility right now before it gets too serious and spreads into my brain. Oh God! What if it's already spread into my brain! Hmnnnn…. That might actually explain my clumsiness."

   Taka walked in just then and interrupted her thoughts but not before she resolved to go to a neurologist and have her brain checked. She smiled up at him innocently. He was so wonderful. He actually came to the real world for her! He had followed her from one life to the other and now she could actually be with him without anything coming in between them. Her task as the Suzaku no miko was long done and she had no need to hold her emotions back anymore. Not that she had really held back much these last few months. In the beginning when they had met in the real world, there was the need to get to know each other all over again and so she had held back a bit. Although their souls had recognized each other, they still didn't know each other as people and that had made things awkward. Especially since she had taken so much for granted and had considered him nothing but an extension of Tamahome when in truth Taka was his own person. He may have been a reincarnation of Tamahome but he did have a couple of differing tastes. But his love for making money had remained constant and manifested itself in his studies. He had turned to business management as a course and was doing extremely well, being one of the top students in his class. And one of the best looking….. She blushed a deep red as she ran her eyes over him. She really hadn't been holding herself back much anymore. His hair was falling into his eyes quite messily and shading his gray eyes from her view but she knew that they would be warm and filled with concern for her. And his body…..

   Taka looked curiously at his girlfriend as she turned a deep red and then went on to turn a most unattractive purple shade. "Miaka, daijobu desu ka?" he asked softly. But all he got in response was a slight squeak and her face turning a vague shade of blue before she actually started breathing and her color returned to normal. He wondered what she had thought of that could have caused her reaction but decided to chalk it up to her imposed bed rest. Keisuke had called him in as reinforcements to try and get Miaka's mind off escape, as today was the last official day that she was supposed to stay in bed. He smiled down at her slight figure propped up against the pillows on the bed. Her black eyes had faded to a vague yellowish shade that made her look slightly jaundiced but at least he could see her eyes now. They were open and staring at him with wonder shining in their brown depths. He had no idea why but every time she looked at him with that look in her eyes, he felt like he could take on the world single handed just for her. 

   Ever since Keisuke had introduced them to each other, it was almost as though they had known each other all their lives. He wasn't sure whether or not to believe in the stories that she told him about The Book Of The Four Gods and their life together there. It seemed so far fetched with phoenixes, mikos, seishis, oracles that looked like large frogs and what not. He did, however, believe in soul mates and reincarnations. That's what he believed Miaka and he were. Soul mates – bound together forever until the ends of time. He would always find her, in this life or the next. Although he did have occasional memories of a life that was like the one she was describing, he figured they were caused mostly by listening to her stories too much and by his vague recollections of some distant past life. He certainly didn't remember any of the people that she talked about with such startling familiarity. Nuriko, Hotohori, Tasuki, Chichiri, Chiriko, Mitsukake….. These were all just names to him. He felt like he knew them but that was only through listening to all the stories she told. For all he knew, they could be Miaka's imaginary friends. 

   He sweat dropped. It was more than possible that Miaka had imaginary friends. As much as he loved her, he wasn't blind to her faults. But then, why would Keisuke go along with the whole deception? Maybe this was some sort of joke. But then why continue it for so long? And what about Yui? Miaka's best friend was still uncomfortable around him no matter how hard he tried to put her at ease. It almost seemed like the nicer he got, the more distant she did. He would have almost believed her cold if he hadn't seen the misery in her eyes and the tentative smiles she would give them once in a while. At least she seemed to be much more relaxed after her date with Tetsuya, making jokes and blushing so much that he was surprised she had any blood in the rest of her. But she was still wary around him. She was the only one who still slipped up occasionally and called him Tamahome. This deception seemed way too deep to be just a joke. Maybe he should look deeper. Keisuke had said that everything had started with the book. Maika had locked it up in the attic. Maybe he should go investigate later.

   But first he would keep Miaka company and take her mind of her boredom for a while. All he wanted to do when she was near was make her smile.  Maybe then she would look at him again and he would drown in the depths of her large brown eyes…


	5. memories

  Oh look, I've finally discovered the plot again! Sing Hallelujah with me people. I'm back on track. No more inane ramblings (well, not many anyway). Big thanks to Momiji-Chan Wa Baka and Hydra-Star for reviewing so faithfully - If it wasn't for you guys, I would have abandoned this story somewhere along the second chapter. Stop looking so hopeful! I said 'I would have'. It's your own fault that I can't stop now.

Chapter 5

   Miaka was finally asleep. Taka sighed softly as he looked down at her still form. She had finally depleted her energy and was sleeping peacefully. How one little girl like her could have so much energy would forever be the question that flummoxed him. On the other hand, maybe it had to do with the amount that she ate. Taka grinned at the thought before looking around the room. Mrs. Yuuki's cleaning rampage had obviously hit this room with its full intensity. Everything was so neat that even a pin out of place would have seemed glaringly obvious. It was also obvious that Miaka inhabited the room from the small army of stuffed animals that stared at him beadily from across the room. They had been jammed onto a shelf and Taka shuddered a little at their stares. Stuffed animals creeped him out. They always seemed to be watching him with their glassy little eyes…..

    He was beginning to freak himself out. He looked back down at Miaka to distract himself. She was sleeping peacefully on the bed while he sat in a chair close to her bedside. She had seemed quite flustered earlier because she was wearing her pink bunny pajamas. Taka had thought that it was kind of sweet the way she had flushed and tried to hide them until giving up in exasperation when the heat of the blanket had been too much for her to bear. She had thrown the blanket off and challenged him with her eyes to say anything. When he had snickered slightly, she had tossed her head and refused to look at him. But ten minutes later she had forgiven him and now she lay asleep. Her auburn hair was spread out messily on the pillow, giving contrast to the beige color of the sheets.  She was lying on her stomach with one hand drawn up to curl under her chin and the other clenched tightly around his hand, almost as if she was trying to anchor him to her in her sleep. A vague memory drifted to him of the same scene just at a different time and place -

**   The same girl clenching her fingers around his as if he would disappear if she let go, as if he would leave her and vanish into the darkness that waited outside the windows. He was aware of her feelings. That she knew the proposal was probably a trap to separate them. But the villages would suffer without his action. He couldn't let anything happen to his family. Even if the army of Konan hadn't been weak in comparison to the one that threatened them, he still would have gone. He needed to protect his family and he would do whatever it took to keep them safe. She no doubt understood that, and that was most likely to be the reason that she was holding on to him so tight. She wanted him to be safe. Just as he was trying to protect his family, she was trying to protect him. He was conscious of a sense of finality, almost, as he wrenched himself from the side of the Suzaku no miko to go out so that the border villages would be safe. He would go to Kutou tonight…..**

   Taka shook his head. Where had all of that come from? Konan? Kutou? The Suzaku no miko? It was all so jumbled in his head. The feelings had been so real, almost as if the event had actually taken place. He could still feel the firm resolve, the vague wrenching pain and the love in his system for the girl on the bed. He shook himself again. "That was either a memory or else I've hung out with this crowd too long. I don't understand it", he thought. The girl in the dreams, this Suzaku no miko that he had to leave behind, her face had been so familiar. She had lain on her stomach with her messy auburn curls shading her eyes from view, with one fist curled under her chin and the other holding to his hand. The only difference in the picture from the vision and the one presented to him now was the fact that she had been lying in a different room, on a different bed. The red sheets beneath her had made him think of roses. The girl had been - "Just like Miaka", he thought. It had been Miaka's face he had seen in the vision and Miaka's hand that had held on to his with such intensity. There was no doubt about it this time. 

   "It's definitely time to check out that book", he murmured aloud, "It's time I set this whole thing to rest once and for all. And I'll be able to discover the truth or else I'll finally expose the lies." Taka glanced down at Miaka again. In the vision, she had murmured the name 'Tamahome' in her sleep - The same name that she had called him by when they had first met. It had hurt him a little that the first time she had met him, the name on her lips was not his. He had explained that his name was Taka, that although he had some memories, he did not remember being a seishi nor did he remember any of the others. She had entreated him as Tamahome to remember. It hurt to remember the disappointment on her pretty features as he stated again that he didn't remember. It was almost as if he had already let her down. She had looked upset for another minute before smiling at him and taking his hand. But he had seen the look in her eyes and he knew that she was wishing that he were someone else, someone who had died long in the past. He may have been this seishi or whatever in a past life and he may have loved her as that man but the feelings that he had now were his own! He was his own person! "My name is Taka not Tamahome. I am Taka….. Not Tamahome!" he whispered fiercely, angrily.

   Miaka turned restlessly in her sleep as if disturbed but his noise. He immediately tamped down his anger. Whatever she may have felt for his re-incarnation was in the past. He knew that she had loved him in the beginning for no other reason than the fact that he had been Tamahome. He might have the same soul as Tamahome but he didn't want his life to be a repeat of some life in the past that he couldn't even remember properly! It wasn't fair! But he was sure by now that her feelings ran deeper.  That she loved him for himself, not whoever he had been once upon a time. This thought, more than anything else, calmed his anger completely and steeled his resolve even further. He would find out about this book and he would know, once and for all whether or not there was any truth in the stories.

   He gently eased his hand out of her grip and leaned over to kiss her head. A faint smell of strawberries wafted up to him and he resisted the urge to bury his face in her hair. For some reason, he was feeling the same wrenching finality that he had felt in the vision. As if he was abandoning her. An old promise wafted to mind **_– Don't ever leave me behind. Never. Do you promise?_**_  -_ Miaka had made him promise that on the first day he met her. Even then he had been conscious of a vague sense of deja vu. He had wondered - who in his right mind would want to leave her behind? But he had dutifully promised and Keisuke had borne witness. Taka grinned at the idea of Keisuke taking him to task if ever, by some twist of fate, he was called to leave Miaka's side. Not that he ever would, mind you. He had made a vow and he would keep it until the day he died. 

   He got up and stretched his back so as to work out the kinks. He really did have a lot to get done today. He had to finish up a research paper and he wanted to go over the proposal he had received for a summer internship. The money really would help. While he had more than enough money for his own needs, Miaka was close to eating him out of house and home. And he wanted to buy her something special soon. Their anniversary was floating just around the corner. He was determined to make this one that she would remember. Maybe it was finally time to ask her -? 

   He shook off those thoughts and focused on his previous ones.  He would go look for the book in the attic now and maybe take it back to his apartment. He could then read it at his leisure and see just how fascinating it was. The chances of it being magical were slim to none and Miaka had said that she guessed the book was dormant now. She hadn't really opened it since what she called the final summoning but she said that she guessed that it couldn't really be a danger since the each summoning of all four gods had taken place. As he opened the door to leave, he looked at the girl on the bed whose outstretched hand rested on his chair now. Calling him back to her. He watched as she grimaced, her face contorted in worry before she sighed out one word. A name. His name.


	6. the attic

   I'm having a bit of a hassle with the whole HTML format thing being that my computer is really old and doesn't really have the necessary software. But imagine if you will that all the flashbacks are in italics.

Chapter 6

   The attic was extremely dark. Taka stepped forward to find the lights and ended up bumping his knee into what looked like an end table with cupids on it's legs. He was surprised that the attic didn't smell musty or unused as his was prone to. Instead it smelt vaguely of lemon and phenol - a rather nice smell that seemed to surround Mrs. Yuuki most of the time when she was at home. "She must have come up here recently to look for something", he thought to himself. He finally located the light switch in the far corner of the room above a chest of drawers. He turned it on and had to shade his eyes from the sudden glare of the yellow lights before they adjusted. He then got his first real look at the attic and sweat dropped. Mrs. Yuuki's cleaning spree had extended to here as well. The walls were clean and appeared freshly painted. There wasn't a speck of dust in the entire room, nor was there a paper out of place. He wondered how much tension she really had to work off before she was able to return normal. Everything gleamed as though brand-new and he had no doubt that it had been organised and compartmentalized according to whatever Mrs. Yuuki considered her personal system. There were at least six large chests in the room not to mention the large chest of drawers and the bookshelf in the corner of the room. Now, the only question left was - where should he start?

   He figured he would go with the bookshelf. While he had no doubt that the book would not be there, he figured it would be simplest to get it out of the way since everything was already organised into neat rows of books. Miaka and Keisuke would never have put the book in such an obvious place to look. On the other hand, maybe hiding it in plain sight would have been the best option. It couldn't hurt to check the possibility out. He scanned through the titles quickly, finding a large quantity of books on action and good housekeeping. It was obvious from this selection that the bulk of the reading in this small family was done by Keisuke and Mrs. Yuuki. Miaka had a very small section at the bottom with a few baby books and a large number of romance novels. He looked closely at the covers of these books and had to muffle his laughter at the sight of the various half naked positions the models had contorted themselves into. He pulled out the one that appeared the most worn with frequent use and read the title and it's summary.

   "A fateful reckoning. Mia knew when she first met the dark lord of her lands that he was no ordinary man. She could sense the energy flowing out from him, beguiling her and tempting her. Although she tried to fight it, her emotions were too strong and her heart was forever ensnared. The dark lord, Shallen, looked down at this sweet witch who had dared to step in front of his horse and found himself pulsing with desire. She was ripe and sweet like a siren calling for her mate. He would take her back to his castle where she would be his tempting prisoner. He had thought only to enslave her passions but found himself enslaved as well. But before he gave her his heart, there would be – a fateful reckoning!"

   Taka couldn't help himself. He laughed so hard he had to grab onto the bookshelf to steady himself. The couple on the cover appeared to be vaguely discomfited as they stared vapidly into each other's eyes on top of a large black horse. The man was wearing what appeared to be large poky black spikes as shoulder pads and a purple flowing cape, which was hiding large portions of the woman's anatomy from view. The woman was obviously naked. The man appeared to have received the bulk of the clothes, having shoulder pads, the cape and a pair of leather pants with large sturdy looking boots. For an instant, the sight of the man nudged something in Taka's memory – 

   _Ice cold blue eyes staring at him with no emotions in their depths. He felt the pain of the lash upon his body .He was paying the price for trying to escape. But he had no choice. He could not sit back and do nothing. He had promised his return once he was assured of her safety. He heard the harsh clatter of discarded armor.  The shogun's heavy armor lay piled at the side of the small cell. From the corner of his eyes he could see the spikes that normally rested upon the shogun's shoulders. He tested the chains again as the lash stung his back once more. He had to escape somehow. He was needed to return. She was dying….._

   He shook himself and trembled slightly. He could still feel the pain of the whip and feel the desperate urgency that had fueled him. These visions were getting much stronger now. Taka was almost afraid of what was to come. He remembered Miaka and Keisuke telling him about the general of the Kutou army, Nakago. The memory must have been linked to him. But Miaka had said nothing about him being whipped, only that he had been controlled by means of some sort of poison. Were these visions really what occurred? Were they holding memories back from him or was his subconscious starting to make them up? It made no sense. Miaka had also said nothing about her almost dying, only that she had been ill during that separation and the doctor guy, Mitsukake, had healed her and everything had gone back to normal. They had another seishi and Mitsukake had been able to save his love from some sickness demon. He was beginning to believe that Miaka and Keisuke had been telling the truth regarding the book. But then, why would Yui be so uncomfortable around him? He knew that Miaka and she had fought and later made up but where did he fit into the picture such that the very sight of him made her tense up. She usually started to finger the blue stud in her ear whenever  - 

   _The stud rested in his hand. He was tempted to crush it beneath his heel but the pretense was called for. They had to retrieve the scroll for the summoning before it was destroyed. His temper still simmered at the way they had manipulated him. Then suddenly, **he** was there, demanding an accounting. The anger boiled up, almost choking him but he played his part. Until the shogun realized the deception and pulled out the whip. Never again would he fall under that whip! The earring was suddenly flying out of his hand towards the face of his enemy. Then the girl was there. The rage was still there, but he knew what had caused this change in her. He would be waiting when she was ready to return. For the sake of his love, he would accept her again….._

   Taka collapsed onto the floor gasping for breath. Yui had gone against Miaka and had been in on whatever had been done to him with the poison. Maybe she could have had something to do with his whipping as well. Could she have ordered it? That would go against everything he knew about Yui's personality. Whenever Miaka referred to the time when they apparently had some sort of trouble, she always placed the blame firmly on Nakago's shoulders. It was probably his fault then, not Yui's. Miaka had always said that the shogun had tricked her best friend somehow and Yui, alone and unknowing had been forced to adapt to his demands. "Well", Taka thought, "If she had made some mistakes in the past that may have caused me to dislike her a little, it isn't surprising that she's feeling wary around me now. It's probably cause she thinks that I might hold her responsible for whatever she did while that bastard was pulling her strings."

    But that really didn't explain her flinching away from touch. If anyone other than Miaka had touched her, she used to flinch away with a look of acute discomfort on her face. Keisuke and Tetsuya seemed to understand her reasons, as whenever it happened, they would give her time to adjust. The looks of understanding that they shot her were also loaded with sympathy. Taka didn't have much of a clue as to why everyone treated Yui with kid gloves. Keisuke had explained that she had a tough time in the book, what with her being manipulated by Nakago and all. He said that she just needed a little time to adjust to the real world again and realise that not everyone was trying to manipulate her. And Yui had made a large amount of progress in the span of time that he was around. It was only recently that she could relax around them without jumping whenever someone touched her arm or when Tetsuya slung his arm over her shoulders, a fact that Tetsuya often loudly attributed to his irresistibility and good looks. Taka didn't think that was exactly the reason and had no trouble saying it aloud.

   Taka moved on to a chest situated in a dark corner of the room. It was a dark chest that had been lovingly polished. And it was locked. The large padlock gleamed 


	7. sleep instead of teardrops

 Big thanks to faithful reviewers (my two favorite) and friends who bear faint resemblances to the card captors set (you know who you are!).  Inspiration has finally reared its ugly head once more and so, on with the story! The song that I've used is 'Sleep instead of tear drops' by Del Amitri. I generally frown upon the practice of using songs as part of stories cause it just fills up place needlessly and most of the time I end up just skimming instead of actually reading that section. Plus I like using my own music to set moods. But this song was playing on my computer as I wrote the chapter and it seemed to be so very apt. I'll try not to use too many lines. Let me know if this experiment works out.

   Chapter 7

   Miaka bolted upright in bed as she felt a surge of energy shoot through her. Being the Suzaku no miko meant that she was joined irrevocably to the world of the four gods as well as her remaining seishi. She felt the bond between them all the time and she was sure that they felt it too – the strange shimmering threads in their subconscious that connected them all. How else could Taka have been drawn to her as forcefully as he had? The power of their love was involved, no doubt, but she also remembered how the air around them had shimmered red for an instant when they had first touched. She had trusted her senses then and understood that she was receiving a gift of unprecedented value from Suzaku. She laid her faith in those same instincts now. And they told her that something was definitely wrong. She shoved her long wavy hair out of the way before scanning the room with her large brown eyes.  It still looked clean with nothing out of place. A chair stood by her bed, angled such that her hand had been resting upon it when she had woken. "Taka", she thought, "he was here just a while ago. I wonder…"

   Then she felt the strong current of red energy that had disturbed her again. It was coming from the attic. "The book!" she screamed. "Keisuke! Something's wrong with the book!" Shoving off the blankets that confined her to the bed, she raced towards the door, ignoring muscles that were screaming from days of disuse. Her hand closed around the doorknob and she wrenched the door open just as Keisuke pushed on it, having raced up the stairs at her shout. The two of them slammed into each other and ended up collapsing onto the floor with Miaka slamming her head rather hard on the floor. Even through the daze of pain she could hear the faint calling of the book and it's rapid pulsing energy. The book was calling out almost as if it were under an attack of some sort and its short, frantic jabs of energy were leaving her feeling light headed and slightly nauseous. "Oh my god Miaka! I'm really sorry. Are you all right? Why did you yell? Where's Taka?" yelped out Keisuke. He scanned the room quickly for any signs of his sister's boyfriend. Taka was very protective of Miaka and Keisuke didn't think his status as her older brother would provide him with much protection if he somehow hurt Miaka.

   "Keisuke, help me up! Something's wrong with the book! It's almost as if it's being torn apart…" Miaka managed to gasp out. Keisuke finally recovered enough of his senses to help her to her feet and then the two siblings raced towards the attic. Thoughts chased through both of their heads as to what they might face. Miaka tried to concentrate on calming her breathing and heartbeat so that, if she needed to fight, she would be ready. Keisuke concentrated on the various ways in which he could drag Miaka out of danger and still save the book. "What use is Taka if he's never around when you need him?", he mumbled to himself, panting slightly. The two of them pounded up the stairs in almost one motion, the thick carpeting that covered the stairs muffling the sound of their feet. Keisuke hauled himself onto the stairway banister and pulled himself over it instead of going around it. They ran towards the door of the attic and paused before throwing the door open. Neither of them was prepared for the sight that greeted their eyes…

   Taka was kneeling on the ground with his head in his hands. His shoulders shook with the force of his emotion and they could hear an occasional rasping sob. Keisuke looked at Miaka uncertainly, unsure of what to do. He had been prepared to fight some sort of horrible monster or defend the book against some sort of evil. But Taka wasn't evil nor was he a monster. _Oni_. The word flashed through his head for an instant before he shrugged it away. As both Taka and Tamahome, the Suzaku seishi had never shown himself to be anything less than a decent honorable man, warm and caring towards all. "Has the book done this to him?" Keisuke wondered silently. His eyes searched the attic for the book and found it tossed in the corner of the room, with an old knife lying close to it. It appeared that Taka had read something in the book and then tried to destroy it with one of the stored knives from the unused sets that were kept in the attic. The book still appeared to be pulsing with energy, unharmed from its ordeal. Keisuke looked at his sister to see how she was dealing with the sight before them.

   Miaka was leaning against the doorframe, looking shell-shocked. Her wide, pain filled eyes were fixed upon Taka's still heaving shoulders and her hand was pressed tightly against her mouth. Keisuke put his hand on her shoulder in a bid to comfort her but was shrugged off as she moved jerkily forward towards the man kneeling in the corner of the floor. She whispered his name as she knelt beside him and placed her arms around his shoulders. He jerked at her first touch and seemed to be on the verge of throwing her off himself. But Miaka held on, her mouth settling in a familiar line of determination, resolve darkening her eyes. Keisuke had seen that look many a time before. It was the look that Miaka had worn when she had made up her mind to go back into the book for Yui, the look that she had worn when she had gone up against her mother and taken the entrance exam for a school other than Jonan Academy, the look she wore whenever her stubbornness came into play. It was the look that said that she would not give up, that she would fight – to the end if necessary… and she would win. He backed out of the room slowly, wanting to give them privacy. Whatever plagued his sister's lover, he was sure that she could handle it.

   Miaka heard the door shut softly. She shut her eyes for a second, silently thanking Keisuke for his understanding. She shifted around such that she was kneeling in front of Taka, almost in his lap. She needed to see his eyes. Everything would be all right if she could just see his eyes. She laid her hands on his wrists and tugged gently while softly whispering soothing words. She had no idea what she was murmuring but it seemed to be working as Taka let her pull his hands away from his face. His beautiful gray eyes looked into hers, filled with tears and misery. He choked back his sobs and laid his head in the curve of her neck. She put her arms around his shoulders and hugged him to her while her own eyes filled with tears. She could feel the wetness from his eyes trickling into the collar of the shirt that she had on. Her own tears overflowed and raced down her cheeks. She had never seen that much anguish in his eyes before - like he was holding on to the pain of the world and it had seeped into him instead. She tried to make soothing noises and soothe him with lines like "everything's going to be alright". 

**Cry… cry out your eyes forever,**

**It won't go away,**

**I, I'm just a dumb observer,**

**It's so stupid what I say**_._

   "They're all dead! My fault… all dead….", he whimpered into her neck. His shoulders shook once more. Miaka shut her eyes in pain. So many were dead now. Which ones was he referring to? She had been unable to bring herself to read the book after the final summoning because she couldn't bear to remember the number of people who had sacrificed themselves for her. She liked to remember them as happy, basking in the sun and not dead or torn. She didn't want to read the book and find out the ways in which she could have saved them, if she had been faster… smarter…. She swallowed her own pain. This wasn't the time for her to collapse as well. Taka needed her to be strong. She moved so that she could place small comforting kisses along his face and hold him closer. He flinched at each kiss almost as if it burned him, as if the human contact had burned him.

**You know my holding you won't change anything,**

**I can't stop this whole charade continuing,**

**As each consoling kiss from me remains on your face like a stain.**

  "It's going to be okay. It'll be okay. You won't think so now, but it'll get better soon and it won't hurt as much. You'll be able to remember them without the pain. Then it won't make you cry anymore", she murmured into his ear. They were all lies of course. The pain never totally went away. She still woke up in the middle of the night sobbing, replaying deaths in her head as she felt the loss of that special bond, felt it slip away again. _Nuriko… Chiriko… Mitsukake…Hotohori …_But Taka didn't need to hear that right now. She needed to lie to him so that maybe, just maybe, he'd feel better. Then when he felt stronger then he'd be able to deal with it again, properly. On the other hand maybe it would be better that he cry it all out now. "Its okay to cry. You can cry all you want. No one will stop you here.", she whispered, unconsciously repeating words said long ago by the Seiryu no miko. "I can't bring them back but I'm still here. I'll always be here."

**So cry… cry out those tears**

**And let them succumb to gravity.**

**And try… try as I might**

**I'll never fill that vacancy**.

    And he held on to her and tried to believe her. He knew her lies for what they were but that could be dealt with later. He needed to believe right now and she was so warm and close. He could hold on to her. He let her help him stand and stood still while she gently wiped the tears from his eyes. He was too shattered to notice the tears still streaking down her face. She took his hand again and smiled into his eyes but he could see the sadness and concern fill those deep brown pools as they gazed into his. It hurt to look into them and realize how he was affecting her and so he dropped his eyes to the floor. She tugged on his hand and he let her lead him back downstairs and into her bedroom. When she pushed him onto the bed, he barely noticed. She gently covered him with a blanket and climbed into bed with him, rightly assuming that he needed some sort of contact to hold onto his sanity. As he closed his eyes he could see their faces in his mind one more time – _Chuwei… Gyokuran… Chunsei… Dad… Yuiren… forgive me._ He heard Miaka murmuring again, trying to soothe him. He shut his eyes on the world and tried to hold back the pain. "It'll be better soon", she murmured again, "It may seem like the world is a really horrible place right now but it'll get better soon. And I'll hold on until it does. And then the tears will go away."

**Like everyone else will do,**

**I'm gonna lie to you – **

**Tell you that life is cruel but someday you're gonna wake up,**

**With sleep instead of teardrops in your eyes.**


	8. thoughts

   Writer's block has struck again. Where can this story go from here? I feel so sorry for poor Taka, stranded in his misery due to a confused writer's inability to decide what she wants to do to him next (heh heh). What to do… What to do?! This fic has taken a sudden turn towards angst. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed the last chapter. Big thanks go out to Momiji-chan Wa Baka for the great review! It totally made my day. It's more praise than I deserve but it still made my day. If anyone else reviewed, thanks. If not, then I guess I'll be depressed a while. (Puppy dog eyes) You wouldn't want me to be depressed now, would you? Don't answer that…

Chapter 8

   _Entering his home to find the blood spilling around him…. Father had been taken unaware but Chuwei had tried to protect them all…. Tiny bodies huddled in a corner - only one that spoke to him….  _"_Brother! Brother! Have you come back to stay? It said so in my dream last night. But no-body believed me. They'll all have to believe me now! Have you come back to stay forever?"…. The tiny hand falling limply in his grasp… YUIREN!_

   Taka shot up in bed gasping, trembling. The dream had been so real. His entire family had been decimated, wiped out. Kutou had sent a spy who had failed and died. He wasn't responsible and yet, he had been held responsible for retribution. Vengeance had been wreaked upon his family because of him, because of who he was. And nobody had helped – not the other villagers cowering in their huts, not the soldiers that Hotohori had promised would guard the village… nobody. They had died in pain and fear and he hadn't been there to protect them. It was all true – the book, the stories, the people – it was all true! And the worst part of it all was that he had no idea what he was supposed to do now. He couldn't change the past, no matter how much he wished he could. That incident had taken place a lifetime ago. But he didn't think he was ready to move forward either. 

   A small sound at his side alerted him to Miaka's presence in the same bed. He turned on to his side so that he could look down and see her face. She sighed again softly in her sleep, her expression still displaying her worry for him. In the past he had been unable to control his power after the killings because of the level of his rage. His anger against Suboshi of the Seiryu seishi had overpowered him. He had lashed out mindlessly. That day he would have killed without regrets, spilled blood until nothing was left of the boy. But then the cycle would have continued endlessly until none were left standing. In the midst of his horror and anger, he had lost his own identity. He had lost everything he stood for – his morals, his ethics, his awareness, everything. In the end, it had been Nuriko who had made him realize the truth…

   I know who you are. You are Sou Keishku, Suzaku star warrior. And by doing this, by acting this way, you are blaming it all on Miaka…

   He could still remember the tears in her eyes as she hunched against a tree. Unable to believe what was happening, her hand clenched tight against her mouth to hold the sobs in while her eyes watched him fearfully. She believed that he would blame her for their destruction. That he would turn away from her because the price of assisting the maiden of Suzaku was paid in deaths. She had probably believed that he would want to hurt her next. It was that thought more than anything else that had caused him to lose his rage. He would never hurt Miaka, not in this lifetime nor the next. He had been able to control himself then and see to the burial of his loved ones. And on their graves he had sworn to protect his remaining loved one with everything that was in him – to do them proud and to bear his family name with honour so that if they looked down on him from the heavens, they would be able to smile with pride. He touched Miaka's cheek softly now, trailing his finger towards her hair. Miaka's presence had calmed him then and it did so now. She had worried for him, cried for him until tears were all he could remember of that time. The world in the book had taken so much from her -

   He frowned, thinking of the book. After reading about the deaths of his family members, he had been unable to continue. He had lashed out at the book with all his pain and regret. With each thrust, a piercing pain had cut through his body, almost as though it was he, himself, who was under attack. And he had borne it all as punishment until the grief had condensed to a point beyond pain. He had tossed the book away then, unharmed. And had knelt in the attic, unable to move or breathe as memories of his previous family had played through his mind – Father trying to be strong despite his illness then being healed by Mitsukake, Chuwei trying to be the head of the family and rationing out the money for the food, Gyokuran running towards him with fish from the stream, Yuiren making Miaka the beaded necklace… smiling up at him softly… tugging on his hand…

   He sobbed softly in the bed, huddled towards the wall. The memories wouldn't stop. He saw himself buying gifts, working to provide for his family, trying to live up to his responsibilities as an older brother, as a Suzaku seishi. But none of it had counted in the end. He had failed them all when he was needed the most. Taka couldn't comprehend the fact that he hadn't felt the break, that abrupt cutting of a bond when they had breathed their last. Inspite of being miles away he could always sense Miaka's danger or danger to any of the other Suzaku seishi, and yet he had been unable to sense the fear and the need his family must have felt in their last moments. How could that have been? They were of his blood, part of his soul. Maybe if he had been a better brother, worked harder to be a better everything… he might have felt it. Why had he not felt it? He needed to find out more. He needed to keep reading the book. The book held all the answers for him now. Maybe the book would reveal this truth to him. Maybe the truth would bring him peace.

   Taka pushed aside the blankets carefully, so that he wouldn't disturb Miaka and walked towards the door. He looked back to see her sleeping form on the bed and whispered "I know why I felt that wrenching feeling when I left you before, Miaka. It was because after I finish reading the book, I won't be the same man anymore. And I can't stop now that I've started. Will you still love me then? Will you accept the changes in me? Will I be able to accept the man that I am now after knowing more about the man I used to be?"  Miaka sighed almost as if in response, her forehead furrowing as if in thought. Taka memorized her features one last time before walking out the door for the second time and taking the steps to the attic. He wouldn't be the same person when he returned and he accepted that possibility. The truth always carried a heavy price.

   He was surprised to see Keisuke sitting on the attic steps looking at him. He had obviously been waiting for Taka to go back to the book.  His eyes, so like Miaka's, were filled with sympathy and understanding. He stood up slowly. Taka braced himself for the questions – and for the pity. He didn't think he could hold up long under the pity. And yet all Keisuke did was walk towards him. He paused right next to Taka and laid his hand on Taka's shoulder. All he said was "Be glad for the time you had them. The pain after is just the price you pay for love." Taka gaped at Keisuke. How could he have known just what to say? Keisuke smiled sadly before saying "I saw the book Taka. I know the page you stopped on. I know… and I understand. There's no point in you beating yourself up any more. They're not going to come back. Just savor the memories. That's the best part of knowing them – you get to take back memories forever."

   Taka choked a little. Keisuke gave him one last understanding look before walking back to Miaka's room. He opened the door softly and checked on her before walking back to his room.  Looking back at Taka one last time he murmured, his voice just loud enough for Taka to hear, "Be careful when you look back Taka. You may not like what you find." He started to walk away before Taka's voice called him back. "Why didn't you tell me Yui was raped in the book? Why was it such a big secret?" Keisuke seemed to pause for a second, his eyes dark and shadowed before replying simply, "It wasn't my secret to tell. At first it was because we didn't want to hurt Yui. Bringing it all up again would have hurt her terribly. Besides, things aren't always as they seem. You need to read the whole book before you understand." Keisuke paused again for a moment before adding softly, almost painfully, "Don't judge her too harshly Taka. She wasn't herself in the book. Part of it was because of Nakago, no doubt there. But there were parts where I thought… it was because she needed to punish herself. She wanted to be loved and yet she felt like she didn't deserve it. She's come a long way from that."

   Keisuke turned away abruptly but not before Taka caught a glimpse of deep pain in his shadowed eyes. Taka gaped as realisation finally dawned on him. Keisuke was in love with Yui! It all made sense now. His protecting her, his urging her to relax more… and his letting her go to someone he considered more worthy of her. It was no secret that Yui was the most comfortable around Tetsuya. He couldn't believe how blind he had been! He watched in dumb fascination as Keisuke walked to his own room. Once there he turned to give Taka a twisted smile and his last bit of advice – "Go read the rest of the book. Most of it will hurt but the end makes everything better. It's the end that matters… in everything. She's happy now and that's the end." Then he walked into his room leaving a shell shocked Taka in his wake.

   Taka blinked a couple of times before turning to climb the stairs. Before he opened the attic door, he paused to wonder – Had Keisuke meant Miaka or Yui?


	9. facing your fears

  I'm back at last! Sorry it took so long to get this particular chapter out. Not only was my cat sick but I also had to deal with a horrible test in economics. I now remember why exactly I'm aiming for a major in English literature - no math! Anyway, big thanks to faithful reviewers and curses on friends who swear that they reviewed even when they didn't. Certain friends should remember the blackmail worthy material I'm now storing in this rather vicious mind of mine, eh? Big thanks to Hydra-Star for letting me ramble on about my ideas. I wouldn't be able to write without figuring some stuff out and not very many people out here watch anime, let alone read fan fiction. Thanks also to Momiji-chan Wa Baka who reviews extremely faithfully and gives me that little push to keep going. And now, let's get on with the story – 

   Chapter 9

   Miaka woke slowly, aware of the empty space beside her on the bed. Yawning and squinting her eyes, she looked at the clock on the table at her bedside. Noting the time, she gasped and bolted out of bed. It was almost six in the evening – the time her mother returned from work every day. Which meant that any signs of emotional upheaval had to be taken care of and the book needed to be hidden again. She didn't want her mother to find out about The Book of the Four Gods. From the scenario that had taken place earlier in the afternoon, Miaka was quite sure that the book still possessed its magical capabilities and therefore, needed to be carefully guarded. She slipped out of bed and walked towards her bathroom intending to take a bath and freshen up a bit before confronting the situation she knew she would find outside her door. If she was to be of help to anyone, then she needed to be fresh, clean… and not suffering from morning breath. 

   Inside her bathroom she stripped quickly before turning to look at her reflection in the mirror. The swelling around her eyes had gone up once again, probably as a result of her crying jag in the after noon with Taka. Her eyes looked large and red against the vaguely yellow backdrop of her swollen eyelids. Miaka stared at her face carefully noting the tension that was evident from the strained pallor of her face, the misery in her eyes and the tight thin line of her normally smiling mouth. The same mouth twisted wryly. She looked like a person who had recently recovered from a long and debilitating disease. Miaka forced herself to look into the eyes of her reflection once again while going over the events of the afternoon. Taka had discovered the book and had read it, until some part beyond which he had been unable to continue. _They're all dead! … My fault… all dead! _ She tried to block out his voice moaning those words into the crook of her neck. They had somehow been permanently branded into her mind and she needed to get away. Turning sharply from the mirror, she brushed her teeth hurriedly and stepped into the shower.

   Once firmly ensconced inside her shower, Miaka took a few moments to breath deeply and release her thoughts. She turned the hot water on and let the heat soothe away all the tension in her body. Then, when she finally felt peaceful and drained of all her worries, she focused her ki and used it to see what was happening outside in the rest of the house. She would need this knowledge to gird herself with. She could feel Keisuke's soft, calming ki in his room. As was common nowadays, she was able to sense a little pain and anger hidden deep within the ki. Miaka frowned slightly. Whenever she attempted to ask Keisuke what was wrong or if he needed to talk, he tended to brush her off as though she wouldn't be able to understand whatever it was. The thought that he wouldn't let her help was hurtful and infuriating all at the same time. It didn't matter what the problem was or even if she couldn't fix it, it might help Keisuke to know that someone else cared and that he could talk to her whenever he needed. Miaka sighed slightly in exasperation for her brother's stubbornness. She would have to try again later after she helped Taka recover from the effects of the book. 

   She focused her ki once again and concentrated on feeling for Taka's ki. She frowned as she scanned the rooms downstairs as well as those on the same floor. Taka wasn't in any of them. Could he have gone home? Keisuke would never have let him out the door in the condition he had been in, of that Miaka was certain. Where could he be unless…? Miaka focused her ki into the attic and sure enough, felt Taka's ki as he sat huddled in a corner. She could sense his normally warm and comforting aura fill with his disbelief, his pain, his confusion and his anger. She sighed as she sank down against the wall of the shower stall as thoughts flooded her mind. "He really shouldn't be reading the book without someone there with him. What if something happens?", she thought to herself. Granted that the book had allowed him to regain his memories so far, but was that what she really wanted? Tamahome was a wonderful person and she would love him always, but she loved Taka now. And the only way she had been able to do that was to treat the two of them as two separate entities. Sure they shared the same soul, but they had lived different lives. They were two totally different people and she wasn't sure whether it would be possible for the two of them to co-exist in one body. On the other hand, what if while reading he was suddenly absorbed into the book again? All her fears came rushing back. What if Tamahome being returned to her had been some sort of a mistake and his drive to read the book was because of his soul being pulled back towards the world he had left behind? There was no actual reason for the gods to have allowed them to be united. What if he was pulled back in and they could only be reunited in death, just like Tatara and Suzano?

   Miaka shook her head from side to side as if to negate that very idea and shut her eyes tight against the possibility it presented. She knew that their love was strong enough such that she would wait until the end of time if necessary to be reunited with her love, but she realized how much she would be missing out on if that happened. She would never have the wedding of her dreams, with Taka standing at the end of the aisle waiting for her… they would never have their first night together… they would never buy their own house… never have any children… all the things that she knew she so badly wanted.  "I won't let that happen! They can't take him from me now!" Her eyes flew open as she made her decision. She wouldn't let him go! If he went back into the book then she would go with him. She had lived there before and she would do it again. It didn't matter that the characters were apparently fictional – they were real enough to her and that was all that mattered.  Yanking herself up off the floor, she stood up on slightly trembling legs and finished her shower hurriedly. She had to go be with him.

   Wrapping herself in a towel, Miaka hurriedly pushed open the door and strode into her room again. She flung the doors of her cupboard open before rooting around for her comfort clothes. She had a feeling that the day was going to be an especially long one and she would need the back up of familiar old clothes to get through it. As she moved her hands about at the back hunting for her favorite pair of faded green shorts and white shirt, her hand brushed against an old and stained brown skirt hidden in the back of the cupboard. Miaka trembled slightly as she drew it out. It was part of the old school uniform that she had worn through her adventures in the other world. The shirt and the jacket were also stored along with it. She had been unable to part with this particular outfit in spite of all the rips in the material and the blood that covered parts of it. The smell of stale sweat and dried blood floated from it causing Miaka to wrinkle her nose slightly against it. Small flecks of dried blood came off on her hands, staining them again. She stared at the outfit for a minute, lost in memories before shoving it back into the furthermost corner of her wardrobe. She looked at her hands after, thinking, " Why is it that no matter how hard I tried, their blood still stains my hands?" She shook herself out of her stupor again and quickly washed her hands.  Dropping to her knees in front of her cupboard, she reached into the lowest section of the cupboard, exclaiming in triumph when her hand encountered the familiar feel of soft, worn cotton. Pulling out the old shirt and shorts set, she quickly changed into them and tied her hair back in a loose ponytail. 

   She was about to head up to the attic when a wonderful smell drifted out of the kitchen and tantalized her nostrils. Her stomach growled loudly, reminding her how long it had been since her last meal. Thoughts raced through her head acting just like a good Miaka and a bad Miaka. At first the bad Miaka said, " you should go down and eat. What's five more minutes?". Miaka was nodding furiously at this thought when the good Miaka spoke saying, " But Taka has always been there for you. You know he needs you to be there".  The bad Miaka looked irritated before starting again "But smell that great food! It's been too long since you've eaten and you're still recovering from your ordeal". Miaka looked almost convinced at this thought but then the good Miaka stated "But then, what if he gets pulled into the book while you're stuffing your face? Would you be able to forgive yourself then?" Miaka turned towards her bad counterpart to see what her rebuttal would be but bad Miaka just looked at her and stated "she's right" before both of them disappeared back into the deepest recesses of her mind.

    Miaka looked around for a second convinced that she was going mad. Even so, her subconscious had given her the answer she had been looking for. She looked longingly towards the kitchen for a moment before turning her back on the smell and heading resolutely for the stairs. And that was why she nearly missed seeing the tray at the foot of the stairs. She would have stepped on the rice if the wonderful smell of food hadn't gotten to her nose first. Looking down at the moderate fare of rice and stir-fry, she nearly flooded the house with drool. While gulping down the meal, she gave thanks to Suzaku for a brother like Keisuke who knew her well enough to predict her intentions. By his small gesture, he had definitely made her feel ten times better and now that her stomach had been tended to, she felt like she could take on the world.

    She left the now empty tray on the side table at the foot of the stairs and walked up to join Taka. Together, they would read the rest of the book. And who knows, maybe she would find some peace of mind in it's reading as well. The events couldn't hurt her any more than they already had. And with Taka by her side, she would be able to deal with both her failures and her triumphs. Plus, she had the good fortune to know already that there would be a happy ending waiting for them when they finished the book. People may have died, but she had done her best and she had that to hold on to if the reading got really bad. She would not be a coward anymore, especially not when Taka needed her to be with him, to hold him while he remembered the others - Nuriko with his big heart and his strong dress sense, Hotohori with his calm presence and loving smile, Tasuki with his fiery temper and his protective air, Chichiri with his smiling mask and good advice, Mitsukake with his shy smile and quiet strength and Chiriko with his unique blend of knowledge and ignorance.  And he would have to remember Tamahome… Tamahome who loved her… saved her… held her… touched her…. The Tamahome who had never let her down.

   She missed them all. And she would do their memory justice by not cowering at the corner of the stairs but by facing her destiny at Taka's side. She climbed up the stairs quickly and walked to the attic door. She took one last deep gulp of air before she turned the doorknob. Everything in her was crying out to go back, to run away from what she might find in the book. She was torn between the urge to run and cower and the urge to help Taka. Bracing herself for the worst, she threw open the door.  But this time there was no crying or calling book. This time there was just Taka, sitting in the corner of the room, looking at her with surprise and relief in his deep gray eyes. He was sitting with the book on his lap, clutching it tightly with fingers that had gone white with strain. He looked deep into her eyes, waiting for her decision, waiting for her to go to him… and all her choices were just that simple.


	10. Keiuke's turmoil

   Big thanks to Momiji-chan Wa Baka (I wondered where you disappeared to), Hydra-Star and silver celeste (finally!) for the reviews.  Also, thanks to Isopreno and Lillian for the great reviews.  Hydra-Star brought up the point that Miaka probably couldn't sense ki and that only Chichiri of the Suzaku seishi could. I agree to an extent, but my idea was that after Taitsu-kun sprinkled the ashes of the scroll of the four gods on her that Miaka would gain a limited amount of ability to control her ki. This was supported by the fact that she was then able to control devices meant to be used only by the other Suzaku seishi (e.g. Nuriko's bracelet and Hotohori's sword) and she could set up a ki barrier when Nakago tried to rape her. Also, her talents would improve with her newfound maturity (stop laughing celeste!) and with the fact that she had merged with a god in the past. Sensing ki is a very basic spell as far as I know so she shouldn't have had much trouble learning how. Anyway, that's my explanation…. Take it or leave it. And now, I'll get on with the story. 

   Chapter 10

   Keisuke sat on the bed in his room. For the first time in his life, the cheery cream walls failed to soothe him. His gaze swept past the various frames on the wall, noting the moods reflected within them. He had taken to painting in the last couple of years as a way to express his feelings without allowing people to see too deeply into himself. That, and the fact that his poetry ended up sounding like warped nursery rhymes or ended up morphing into dirty limericks. Plus, he had always had a natural talent for art. All of his teachers agreed that he was extremely talented – possessing a flair for the dramatic with his dark landscapes as well as for the melancholy with several romantic pictures of a couple entwined in each other's arms beneath a barely flowering jasmine tree. Keisuke tended to give away most of his paintings as gifts or presents; yet he had been unable to part with two of his favorites which now adorned his walls. One of them was a dark seascape showing harsh forked lightening over a distant ship in the horizon. On a craggy face looking out to sea, the viewer was barely able to make out the figure of a woman facing the ship, with a hand flung out towards the heavens and her face tilted up towards the pouring rain. The picture never failed to give him a sense of extreme unease and yet, it was one of his best works – the sharp brush-strokes and modest use of color elevating the whole scene to a new level. It was a source of great personal pride and yet, he was uneasy with the violence he had somehow managed to capture. It mirrored the recent turmoil he had found within himself far too much for comfort.

   The other painting on the wall was one of his firsts. Although it was unarguably his worst painting, he still took great pleasure in its simplicity. The painting showed a small blonde girl sitting under a large banyan tree, smiling through her tears at a man who stood with his back to the viewer. While the colors clashed horribly and the brush-strokes had been smudged in more places than one, the painting itself still held a very poignant appeal. It was also the first of his work that Yui had ever seen. He had worried that she might recognize herself in the child, might recognize his hidden longing to be the man to make her smile through her pain. He was almost hoping that she would at that point so that he would have been able to confess his feelings for her, but after a moment of awkward silence she had laughed and called him an artist in the making. Then she had left abruptly, making her excuses to Miaka. Keisuke had wondered for a while if she had guessed, if that was her subtle form of rejection but she seemed as unaware as ever on the next day, treating him as a favored older brother while showering her smiles on Tetsuya…

   Keisuke clenched his hands as a brief spurt of jealous anger passed through him. He loved Tetsuya like a brother; there was no one in the whole world that he trusted more. Tetsuya was rich, smart, charming, well mannered and best of all – he could make Yui smile. And there was also the fact that he was completely unaware of Keisuke's feelings. As much as Tetsuya may have wanted to date Yui, he would never have poached on what he considered Keisuke's territory. Keisuke knew all of this rationally. It was one of the things that made Tetsuya one of his best friends… and yet, he couldn't help but wonder jealously what Tetsuya had that was lacking in him, what the special something was that drew women to him as moths to a flame. Originally, he had thought it was the whole element of mystery that was brought on by the dark glasses which Tetsuya wore all the time because of his sensitive eyes. But that hadn't been it, because when he had tried it, people had laughed at him, called him agent weirdo and asked him his views on alien domination. Even Taka had been hard pressed to stop laughing and had asked him about his secret assignments to fetch dirty magazines into the house. Keisuke flushed, remembering the large stack that his mother had recently discovered under his bad on her cleaning spree. She hadn't said much, after giving him a narrow eyed look of reproof and telling him to fetch the bottle of Lysol. Yeesh! 

   Keisuke sighed before letting his gaze fall on the framed photograph that he kept by his bedside. The picture had been taken the day he had brought Taka to meet Miaka. The two of them were gazing into each other's eyes like a pair of lovesick calves, holding hands with white-knuckled grips. He grimaced in memory. As much as he loved his sister and delighted in her happiness, sometimes the two of them got so soppy that the sight was just plain revolting. He, himself, was standing to the side, grinning at the camera and making a v with his fingers, elation evident in every corner of his face. Tetsuya was standing at the other end of the picture with one hand on his glasses and the other placed comfortingly on Yui's shoulder, a small enigmatic smile playing on his lips. Yui stood in front of the two of them, staring out of the picture with tired eyes and a strained smile, the little blue earring peeping between the strands of her hair….

   Keisuke tore his gaze away from the picture and flopped back on his bed, letting the air rush out of his lungs with the impact. He took a minute to wonder what Taka would do now that he knew of Keisuke's feelings for Yui. He knew that the former Suzaku seishi had seen and recognised one of his most closely guarded secrets during that moment near the attic steps. He had caught Keisuke at an unguarded moment and now the word was out. It would be up to Taka now, either to ignore the whole incident and keep mum or to tell Miaka and thus, indirectly inform Yui of his feelings. Keisuke had no idea which option he was rooting for harder. He was aware that somewhere deep in his subconscious he was harboring the fantasy that Yui, on hearing of his love, would drop Tetsuya like a hot rock and run into his arms. But he knew that he was most likely deluding himself. He was aware that her feelings for Tetsuya and Tetsuya's for her would definitely factor into the equation. And as much as he may want the pot of gold at the end of his rainbow, he wasn't willing to get it by stepping on everyone else's hearts. He consoled himself with the image of her glowing face after her first date with Tetsuya.  So happy…

   _For all you know, her face might glow like that for you. She might be happier with you… after all, you worked just as hard as anyone to help her get over the book. You might be the one she wants, _Keisuke's mind whispered cajolingly. He shook his head to clear it but the thoughts still flew around in his mind like bees buzzing near an enticingly large field of flowers. He shut his eyes tight against the thoughts that were flying around in his head and concentrated on his breathing instead. Images flowed through his mind like an endless river – Miaka bringing Yui home for the first time, their first sleep over for which he had been booted out of his own room because it was larger, Yui running around in that little high school uniform with the short shirt and that sexy little jacket…

   Keisuke smacked himself hard on the head and tried to concentrate on non-hentai thoughts. Miaka and Yui having a pillow fight with Yui wearing this skimpy pair of shorts, with the pillow breaking open on impact and covering her with its soft feathers so that she looked like a laughing angel in those tight, little, skimpy…. Whoa boy! "Keisuke no baka", he murmured to himself as he shook his head to rid himself of the thoughts that were running through them again. "Think calm thoughts… mountains… rivers… water pounding on rocks… splashing on Yui's T-shirt… No! No! Water dripping from taps… fountains… waterfalls…oh great! Now I have to pee!" Grumbling under his breath Keisuke headed for the bathroom. He was just zipping up his pants when he heard the sound of the door closing and his mother's cheerful voice announcing her arrival. 

   "Damn, mom's home!", he whispered, wondering what sort of excuses he should make up.  It was doubtful that Taka would want to leave without finishing his reading of the book and Keisuke wasn't sure he wanted his sister's love to leave if he was still in the same emotionally unstable state as earlier. On the other hand, he didn't think his mother would take too kindly to the idea of Taka spending over on a weeknight. Plus, he'd have to have a decent explanation for why Miaka was out of bed. It was moments like this that he cursed himself for being a good brother at all. The title carried very few benefits and the sacrifices he had to make were getting more and more taxing as each day went by. And now, he had this little difficulty to ponder. It finally occurred to him that since Taka and he were both in the same university, he could claim that Taka needed help on a university project due soon. His mother was bound to allow Taka to spend the night if he bunked down in Keisuke's room and if the two of them pretended to work until she fell asleep. As for Miaka, he would claim fear of bedsores! She hadn't been up much all week and although bedsores never appeared that early, he didn't have to share that knowledge with his mother. Keisuke felt the need for applause as he managed to cross all the t's and dot all the i's in his brilliant plan. The thought "I'm a genius" was running through his head and he headed down to explain the night's arrangements to his mother…


	11. Don't look back

   Sorry that it's taken so long for this chapter to get put up online. I've been extremely busy with classes and stuff. On the plus side, I'm finally back and plan to get down to business. Big thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter – Hydra-Star, Momiji-chan Wa Baka, silver celeste and Ispreno. It made my day and I'm glad you guys liked it. I know this story focuses mainly on Taka and Miaka's relationship but I couldn't help but put in a little more about Keisuke. I always thought that he was somewhat ignored in the first series. Anyway, we'll now get back to the actual plot. I've gone a little overboard with the sap in this section, but considering the fact that I have no love life of my own, is it really surprising that I would choose to live vicariously through my stories? I haven't had much of a chance to proof read this but I'm putting it up anyway to stop the various death threats (you know who you are!). I'll work on this again later with the next chapter. Anyway, for those of you who are interested, I've got a one-shot Tasuki fic up as well. Feel free to read and enjoy. If you don't care for it, let me know as well. And now I'll go to the story.

   Chapter 11

The attic was unnaturally silent as the reading of the book continued. Taka had started to read parts of the book aloud but had to give that up once his voice started to break. Now the only sound that could be heard was their soft breathing and the occasional harsh intake of breath when the telling of the story was too vivid to bear. The occasional rustling of pages seemed to echo in the bright yellow lights. And yet it seemed as though darkness surrounded them, shrouding them in grief. Each could hear the rhythmic thump of their blood as chills ran through them with each new word revealed, each memory relived. The ending seemed no nearer than a minute ago and yet the page had been turned. How long could they bear the sorrow? Until they cracked or a happy ending came to be? 

   Miaka gripped Taka's hand tightly as they read through one of the toughest sections in the book together  – Nuriko's death. She watched as his eyes darkened with a vague sense of sorrow as the purple-haired seishi confessed his love as a man for the maiden of Suzaku. It was the next day that his death had taken place. Miaka had often wondered if it was because of her that Nuriko had chosen to go up to Mount Black that day… whether it was because she had made it so apparent that she didn't and couldn't return his feelings. Nuriko had been so supportive that time, giving her the chance to deal with it alone or with Taka as he rode off on his mission. If she had ever thought that he wouldn't come back, she would never have let him go! And yet, she wouldn't want to change anything and make his death seem meaningless. Nuriko had died in a way that befitted him – with dignity, honour and courage; and always doing what he believed was right. Besides, he was always with her, even if she couldn't see him anymore. His bracelets sat in the drawer of her desk, to be worn on occasions of great meaning. It was the one way she could keep him with her forever and ever.

   _As a man, I guess you could say that I love Miaka. But don't worry Tamahome. You two are made for each other. I could never hope to make her as happy as you do. And it's my job to see that you continue to make her happy. Now, would you like to try another Nuriko special?_

   God! The memories still had the power to lance straight down towards her soul. Miaka knew she should never have eavesdropped that night. If she hadn't… things might have turned out differently. And yet, she couldn't be sorry for knowing that much about Nuriko – that he would love her enough to put her happiness above his own. Hotohori had done the same and yet, it had taken him a long while to come to terms with her absolute love for Tamahome. Hoto had fought for her at first without a thought but the one that stated that she was his. Nuriko had looked at the situation and had calmly accepted it. For that knowledge, she would always be grateful. It added a certain special something to her memories of him. Miaka leaned closer to Taka, to help in his grief, as well as to gain some measure of comfort herself. It would be time for dinner soon. She had heard her mother's voice calling out that the table would be set in ten minutes. For the first time in her life after the book, Miaka wondered if she could skip dinner. The horror of the memories had deadened her senses and all she wanted to do at that point was curl up and sleep. 

   She laid her head on Taka's lap and shut her eyes against the memories that were flooding her mind - memories of flashing amethyst eyes and that gay laugh… and the hugs that seemed to chase away all the dark. Hugging herself, she tried to concentrate on only the happy memories, but the bad ones seemed to seep through – seeing him lying at the entrance to the cave, the blood around him sinking rapidly into the ice-cold snow, his last duty performed as faithfully as he could…. Taka chose that moment to touch her hair, lightly and gently, gliding his palm across the silky strands in an almost absent caressing motion. Warmth and love flooded her system at his touch, the only touch that she knew could banish her demons. 'Everything will be alright'. She would have to hold strong to her motto, especially now when Taka's emotional well being was on the skids. Much as she hated to admit it, the sight of him crying had shaken her deeply. In their relationship, she had always played the role of the emotional partner while Taka played the strong, supportive one. The thought that this fundamental aspect of their relationship had suddenly shifted discomfited her. She was trying to ignore the feeling, but more often than not, it would sneak up on her and cause her to shudder at this unknown.

 And they kept reading… about her horror after he left them, her inability to cope with the death of her one of her closest friends in the book. And then, when forced to confront her nightmare, moving on to complete the mission that he had chosen to give his life for. The struggle that ensued, and the overcoming of the test for the shinzaho. And then the horror that awaited them when it was stolen away from under their noses by those who were so very obviously less worthy. And then her decision to get it back. Miaka winced at the thought that Taka would have to read about the fact that she had actually believed the fake Taitsu-kun… and had been willing to sleep with Nakago to help further their cause and regain their lost shinzaho. Her head had been so cluttered with guilt and fear that she had never even considered the fact that Taitsu-kun had specifically warned her about not being able to share her body with any person. She hadn't remembered that she was supposed to remain pure because she was so sure that it was her fault; and that this test was some form of punishment to atone for her part in Nuriko's death. She must have been more like Yui than she thought, because she too had been willing to accept the hate and betrayal that would ensue after she had accepted the hand that she believed that fate had dealt her. 

   Suddenly unable to deal with the thought that Taka would turn the page and stumble into that part of the story, she yanked on his hand quickly and tried to distract him. "Mother came back a while ago. We'll need an excuse for why you're over so late. And also, we'll need to eat some dinner…", she trailed off nervously. Taka slowly shut the book and looked at her carefully, noting the distress she was trying so valiantly to hide in her bruised eyes. Her hand twisted in his sweater – a sure sign of worry, as was the idle chatter that she continued with. "I'm getting quite hungry. It's been so long since I last ate. I mean, Keisuke left a tray for me and everything, but you know my appetite! I really think sometimes that I must have worms or something. Keisuke used to tell me that when I was younger to make me cry so that he could eat my dessert. I hope the dessert today is good. Dessert is the most important part of the meal. Eh heh heh", she ended nervously, avoiding his eyes. 

   Taka quickly hooked a finger under her chin and raised her head so that he could look at her when he asked the question, "Miaka? Daijobu?". "Iie", Miaka shook her head quickly, far too quickly for it to actually be considered a concrete 'no'. The jerky gesture caused some of her hair to fall forward from its normal resting place behind her ears, such that it draped forward in a silky curtain along the tips of his fingers. "Don't lie to me Miaka. There's no need to try to hide whatever it is, you can always tell me anything", he murmured, his warm breath fanning her face, causing the auburn strands to sway gently as they feathered across her forehead. Miaka looked up timidly into his eyes and opened her mouth to tell him of her fears – the thought that after seeing how weak she had been at certain times, he might think her not worthy anymore, the shame that she felt for being lured time after time into Nakago's plans; but the words wouldn't come. Her lips parted but no sound emerged until finally all she was able to say was "I didn't know what I was doing at certain points in the book. It was all so rushed that… I wasn't always aware of what I was doing…"

   She turned away quickly and stood up, dusting off the seat of her shorts. "It's time for us to go down now. Mother will be wondering what we're up to", she mumbled hastily before almost running towards the door. She had just turned the doorknob when a large, capable hand braced itself against the door. She stared hard at the elegant, long fingered hand as it barred her only escape. She had always loved Taka's hands; they represented him in so many ways – gentle, elegant, strong, capable… and the numerous calluses on his palms showed that he was no stranger to hard manual labour. She turned slowly and braced herself against the door before looking up at him. She could see the lines of anger that bracketed his mouth with temper and yet, his eyes showed mostly worry and a bit of fear. The day had not gone well on either of them. Her nerves were almost screaming with tension and fatigue. And he looked no better, with his still red–rimmed eyes and slumped posture. She knew that he required her to stay strong for him, but she was breaking, cracking like fine china under the silent stress. With every page that they turned, her heart was leaping into her throat as each one of her sins was paraded, the conflicts that she had been forced to face. She wanted to be there for him, but she also knew that it was quite likely that she wouldn't be able to keep from breaking down for much longer. 

   This break for dinner would do the both of them some good. It would give them the chance to return to normalcy for a while where they would be able to pretend that they hadn't relived those days. She looked up from the floor, about to explain her thoughts to Taka but before she could say a word, his warm mouth covered her own. She could feel his lips brush gently against hers before deepening the pressure and causing them to part. She eagerly opened her mouth for him, willing to take this moment with him. They reached for each other as emotions overflowed into actions. After facing the prospect of so much death, past or present, one loves to reaffirm life with physical comfort. And the two of them took comfort in the heat of each other's bodies, the press of hot lips and cold hands that took… and took… until being forced to break apart, needing to drag air back into starved bodies.  But they remained pressed to each other. In that moment, there was no need to talk, to explain fears or feelings. Everything is always understood in that perfect moment, when time stands still and one lives outside reality. 

   But moments always end and so did this one. Pulling away carefully, Taka leaned over once more to brush a kiss against Miaka's nose. "I love you, no matter what you did. It doesn't matter what happened in the book. I was a different person in the book too, but you love me now anyway. Do you understand what I'm trying to say? That Miaka was you, but you aren't her anymore. And I love you… and her. But she's in the past… and you're my now." Miaka smiled in understanding. Taka always seemed to know exactly what to say to make her feel better. This moment was a temporary fix and the fears would return when least expected; neither of them chose to kid themselves about that fact. But for now they were all right. Smiling brown gazed into sincere gray with a look that was a kiss in itself.  Never breaking eye contact, Taka leaned forward and opened the door, pulling Miaka towards him once more with the motion of the door as it swung inwards. And enveloping her tiny hand in his, he led the way out the door and down to face the rest of the family. The book could wait until later. Miaka was his world and he wouldn't hurt her. She needed a rest and to be honest, so did he. They could always come back after and that world would still wait for them… and welcome them into it's pages.


	12. Mother knows

   Guess who's back… back again. That's not really a question. Heh heh. Merry Christmas and a happy new year to everyone who has actually taken the time to read my effort at fan fiction and a lump of coal in the stockings of those who didn't. I'm so glad that everyone continues to review as faithfully as they do. Silver celeste – this chapter is for you. I know things have been tough lately but I'll make sure they get better… and I'm always just a phone call away. Ispreno, I'm horribly sorry about misspelling your name. I generally take offense if the same is done, so I'm really glad that you were so okay with it. Hydra-Star, long time no mail. Momiji-chan Wa Baka, greetings of the season. In general news, I'm planning a few new stories that I'm quite pleased with. Hopefully one of them should be out about the same time as the end of this story. I think we're down to the final five chapters (maybe a few more if I get carried away). We're finally in the home stretch here. Sing hallelujah with me!

   Chapter 12

   Dinner had not been the easiest of ordeals. Taka gratefully climbed the stairs towards Keisuke's room as Miaka distracted her mother long enough for him to make his escape. Generally he would have loved to spend time with Mrs. Yuuki, but the day had left him drained completely. And it wasn't over yet. The book had yet to be finished. And to top off the whole miserable affair, he had to pretend to work on one of Keisuke's projects to give credence to Keisuke's plan… at least until Mrs. Yuuki was asleep. "It's strange how Keisuke helps us by coming up with _this_ particular excuse… especially since his actual project needs to be submitted by the end of the week.", Taka reflected sardonically.  Somehow Miaka's brother had managed to save everyone's bacon and get himself a healthy dose of Taka's help at the same time. Not that he begrudged Keisuke the additional pair of hands, but after the day he had just suffered through, the last thing he wanted to do was sit up into the night tallying large numbers in the cases of make-believe firms.  Business school projects tended to be lengthy and boring – never a good combination at the best of times. And this certainly wasn't the best of times. 

   Taka shoved the door of Keisuke's room open and quickly walked across the room to the single desk situated by the window, trying to block all sight and thought of the large, comfortable bed that dominated the room. Throwing himself into a chair, he moodily stared at the large sheets of paper that covered the desk, filled with random numbers and small doodles of boredom. Various doodles were of little girl figures in various stages of dress or undress. It was quite obvious what Keisuke's mind had strayed away from, as just above what appeared to be the first doodle was the number 69. Opening a drawer, Taka pulled out a fresh sheet of paper to ready himself for the vast body of work that probably awaited himself and Keisuke. He then leaned forward and began to toy with the large collections of pens that Keisuke had arranged in a large mug that stated to the world at large 'Reality is a state brought on by a lack of alcohol'.  Sniggering to himself, he chose a simple ballpoint pen and began to doodle on the paper. What began as random lines and sketches of vague space monsters soon developed into names and characters in a particular pattern. He studied one name in particular – Tamahome.

   Brooding over the seishi's star symbol, he was struck by a feeling of great and yet impotent anger at the man who had the symbol blaze upon his forehead. Regardless of the fact that he knew himself to be the reincarnation of this particular seishi, he couldn't help but feel the twinges of jealousy that sprang from his close relationship with Miaka. Tamahome and he had lived as separate individuals, and he couldn't help but feel vaguely betrayed on reading of his continuous love affair with Miaka. It was almost like meeting the past lover of a new girlfriend. It didn't help that the very basis of his relationship with Miaka was built on the fact that he shared the same soul as this seishi from the past. And the worst thing about the whole affair was that he couldn't confront the whole thing head on by discussing it with anyone, because the man he was jealous of was himself and that really didn't make much sense in the real world. "Aargh!" Taka yanked at his hair gently, hoping the slight ache might distract him from his thoughts. He seemed to be wandering down the path of futile pain and that was never a good idea.

   The soft sound of a door opening drew him out of his thoughts. Turning around he met Mrs. Yuuki's concerned green eyes. It was no secret that any good looks that either of the Yuuki siblings had were inherited from their father's side. Mrs. Yuuki was a woman of rather plain looks, averagely pretty at best. And yet, she more than made up for any lacking with the strength of her character and the warmth of her personality. Blessed with an agile mind and a healthy dose of skepticism, Mrs. Yuuki was not one to be easily messed with. Taka frantically ran through the reasons why she would have followed him upstairs – Did she suspect him of trying to do something with Miaka? Had she somehow found out that the whole ruse was being set up as a cover? Was she going to throw him out of the house then? Panicking thoroughly, he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. "Mrs. Yuuki! Is something wrong? I thought that Keisuke said to go right up and not to help with the dishes", he rambled nervously. Mrs. Yuuki observed him for a few minutes, letting him spout on about the reasons for leaving the project until the last day and the horrors of dishpan hands before gently interrupting. "Do you think I'm stupid, Taka? I know there's probably no project that needs to be submitted as urgently as Keisuke says. Now, I want you to tell me the truth. Whatever you kids are doing, is it going to hurt or harm anyone?"

   "Of course not!" Taka burst out "we'd never do anything that would cause anyone harm!" Seeing her eyes narrowing sharply, he hastily went on to finish, "and the project really is due… really!" Narrowing her eyes even further, she walked forward until she towered over Taka, who hunched fearfully in his chair. Looming over him, her eyes spitting green fire, finger up in scolding posture and mouth open, the resemblance to Miaka was uncanny. And then the actual lecture started – "Do you kids think I'm really buying all the rubbish you're throwing at me? I wasn't born yesterday you know! Miaka looks miserable, you look horrible, Keisuke looks guilty and to top it all off, no one is willing to admit that something might have happened. Now, I know you're a good boy, so I'm going to give you some advice and then I'll leave you all alone for the night. If this is some sort of petty lover's quarrel, then you better have it made up by morning – without any hanky-panky! Do you hear me loud and clear?"  Taka nodded quickly, terror and a great deal of panic evident in his expression. His voice, when it finally emerged after his repeated attempts, squeaked with anxiety, "of course, Mrs. Yuuki. I'd never touch her that way, Mrs. Yuuki. It wasn't a quarrel… just a discussion that got out of hand. If you'd be so kind as to allow us to clear it up tonight I'd really be very grateful… Mrs. Yuuki."

   Grinning at Taka now that she had her suspicions confirmed, Mrs. Yuuki backed off. "Of course, Taka. I know how harrowing these fights seem at this age. A last piece of advice, when the fights stop – that's when you really need to worry. And that's the voice of experience speaking. Mr. Yuuki and I were constantly fighting and everything was fine. The month after we stopped fighting was when we got the divorce." Taka looked at Mrs. Yuuki in shock as she dimpled at him slyly. Laughing uproariously at his expression, she leaned against the edge of the bed and tried to catch her breath. Finally giving him a break, she turned and headed for the door, throwing the words out over her shoulder "Now, be good and set whatever this is to rest. Tell the others that I've gone to bed. And I'd suggest not mentioning this little talk. Keisuke took a lot of trouble to come up with this plan, hopeless as it was." Looking over her shoulder on the way out of the door, she paused and added in an extremely serious tone, a complete contrast to her previous mirth - "And Taka… one last thing. You make Miaka happy, something she hadn't really been for a while after her exams. I've never seen her so content. That definitely proves that the two of you have something special. So take care of my little girl, okay?" And then she was gone with a final click of the door.

   Taka stared after her in confusion, wondering what the hell had just happened. Mrs. Yuuki was obviously very aware that something was going on under her roof but she seemed perfectly content to let the three of them handle it together like grown ups. On the other hand, he knew that if this night didn't end with smiles and hugs all around, he'd be made to pay at some later date. And probably in some gruesome way which could never be linked back to her. Shivering in mindless terror, he turned back to his desk. He definitely knew where Miaka had inherited her stubbornness and thirst for vengeance. Looking back down to the desk and his doodle of the constellations of Suzaku, he reflected on his conversation with her. If Mrs. Yuuki was to be believed, then he was obviously of great meaning to Miaka's life. He made her feel content and safe. Not only that but he could actually offer her forever as his wife. On the whole, he was much better off than Tamahome had ever been. The thought of the gray haired seishi still rankled a bit, but he couldn't help the large and rather smug grin that appeared on his face. He may not have loved her first as a person, but that didn't matter because he got to have her for as long as he lived now.

   Moving back from the desk and leaping to his feet with an agility that belied the exhaustion that he had been previously suffering from, he moved towards the attic. If he had this time left to himself, he might as well read what had upset Miaka so much before. Then he could deal with any pain or other sort of reaction before she turned up. That way he could look at the situation normally and not judge her, as she seemed to think he would. The sooner he read the rest of the book the better… then they could get on with the rest of their lives and he could go back to his promise of making her the happiest girl on the face of the Earth. Humming softly under his breath and feeling a great deal lighter than he had all day, he moved up the stairs to the attic. He could hear Miaka and her brother squabbling over who would wash the dishes and who would vacuum the floor. The sound of scuffling and occasional grunts suggested that the fight had probably progressed to the physical stage. Grinning at the soft but fluent curses he heard from Keisuke, he reflected that the older boy would have a hard time pinning Miaka now that he had taught her a couple of self-defense maneuvers.

   Gently opening the door of the attic, so as not to disturb them, Taka moved back towards the book that he had left on the end table. Picking it up, he reveled in the strange connection he seemed to feel with it now. It seemed like his body was filled with a strong yet gentle warmth, and the urge to turn the pages and lose himself in the story once more was almost more than his control could take. Ignoring the sensation, he crept back downstairs silently and let himself into Keisuke's room. Giving into impulse, he flipped open the pages to where he had last left the book and began to read…

**_____________________________________________________________**

Author's note: -

   To people who think that the reason that Miaka and Tamahome got to be together was because they didn't wish for it but kept the hope in their hearts… I honestly didn't think that was a good enough explanation. I'm pretty sure when the Byakko no miko made the wish out loud, that Tatara and she were wishing really strongly in their hearts. And I doubt that after you make a wish that can't be granted, you're forced to spend the rest of your life regretting it. Especially considering the fact that Miaka and Tamahome didn't. They didn't wish to be together but that doesn't make their wish any stronger than that of the Byakko no miko and her love. I think I have a reasonable explanation and that's the whole point of this fan fic. If anyone thinks I don't have a valid point at the end of this story, you're welcome to let me know.

Thanking you,

As always I remain,

Diabolique.


	13. reaching for you

   I'm really sorry that this particular chapter took forever to put up. Honestly speaking, I was unsure whether or not to continue the fic. After I finished the last chapter, I happened to read some particularly amazing stuff by a bunch of other authors and in comparison, my attempt at fan fiction seemed extremely puny and insubstantial. But I've decided to gird my loins and wade back into the fray (waaaay too much Braveheart on the telly).  Anyway, this story will undergo a major overhaul as soon as I'm done writing it. To everyone who has supported me, thank you so much. Momiji-chan, what would I do without you? You really have kept me going through everything.  Azure Angel Venus, thank you for the praise. You've made me blush enough to burst an artery.  Minako-hime, the story isn't done yet and won't be until I manage to pump out another 3 or 4 chapters. Hold on to your hats boys… I'm back in business!

Chapter 12

   Miaka climbed the stairs wearily. The vacuuming had taken her longer than expected. Plus, her muscles hadn't been used in a while and so most of them were singing "Ave Maria" at her.  Wincing at the discomfort of having to climb the stairs, she trudged along to Keisuke's room. Pushing the door open she made a beeline for the bed, ignoring everything else in the room in her single-mindedness. Flopping down in ecstasy, she curled up and hugged the soft pillow against her head. Sleep tugged gently at her but she resolutely resisted. After appeasing her lazy pangs for another minute or so, she managed to force her eyes open to focus on the rest of the room. The first thing that met her eyes was Keisuke's open mouth as he snored gently on the bed near her. His eyes were scrunched up slightly and a thin line of drool ran down from the corner of his mouth. Miaka winced at the small pool of drool that was soaking into the pillow. Horror images flashed through her mind about the pillow that her own head was placed on. Suddenly it seemed rather sticky and gooey…

   Yanking her head off the pillow and scrambling up on the bed, she met Taka's eyes. He was sitting at Keisuke's desk with the book open on his lap. He smiled slightly at the left over expression of repulsion on her face. Standing up silently he motioned for her to do the same. Curiously, she stood up and turned to follow him to the door where he waited with his hand on the switch for the lights. Turning back, she took up the soft cotton comforter from the foot of the bed and tucked Keisuke in. Leaning over, she quickly moved his hair back with her hand and planted a small kiss on his forehead. This brother of hers was always working so hard to make sure that she was safe and happy. He cared so much for her that he would willingly put his life on the line over and over again… and all this even without being compelled by a large, red phoenix. Smiling at her thoughts, she moved silently out into the hallway and watched Taka switch off the lights and shut the door silently. 

   Taking each other's hands, they walked quickly down to her room with Miaka casting anxious glances at the end of the hallway where her mother's room was located. It wouldn't do if she would suddenly come out and find the two of them creeping past into Miaka's room. Miaka shuddered slightly at the images that would come to her mother's mind or what the results would be. On the other hand, she realized that she needed to be around for the rest of the reading. Waiting in her own room would have driven her insane and Keisuke's room was just too small for all of them to spend the entire night. Especially since Keisuke tended to be a bed hog, creeping insidiously over until he covered the entire bed, much like a strange form of Japanese fungus. 

   When they finally reached her room and shut the door, she heaved a large sigh of relief. The sigh was then morphed into an even larger yawn until she was pretty sure even the satellites had a clear view down to her tonsils. Opening her eyes after that particular jawbreaker, she was startled to see Taka looking loving and amused. Smiling gently at her, he spoke "Why don't you lie down and try to sleep a little. You just got over the accident. It doesn't make sense to overdo it all in one night."  Moving to the bed, he turned down the spread and motioned for her to lie down on. 

   She immediately shook her head in negation of this idea and rushed into speech "Iie. I'm not that tired, really! It's just that I hadn't moved around so much in a while and it's gotten to me a little. I'm feeling fine now… quite awake." Almost as if to belie that set of statements, she gave another bone cracking yawn. Taka actually sniggered a bit before murmuring "Yeah… right" under his breath. Glaring at him a little, she flounced over to the chair that remained by the side of the bed and plopped herself down in it. Folding her arms in a posture of defiance, she set her mouth and glared at him. "If you honestly think that I'd leave you to go through all of the book without any sort of support from me, you're completely mad and you don't know me at all. I went through all of that too, remember? I know how much it took for both of us to get through it all. Neither of us came out without our share of scars. Hell Taka! Even Keisuke has his own set of scars from that time and he wasn't even in the book…" Her lips had begun to wobble with emotion by then, "I don't know why you wouldn't want my help. Do you think I can't understand? Is that it? Or are you ashamed of me for making so many mistakes in the book?" Unable to bear looking at him anymore, she turned away and bowed her head to hide her tears.

   Taka stared at her in shock with his mouth hanging open. All he had intended to convey was that she was tired and that he wouldn't mind if she rested for a bit. He had no idea where the rest of that particular blast had come from. Not need her? Ashamed of her? Where would she get ideas like this? He had thought that her doubts were settled on that score. But quite apparently they hadn't been. And now her tears were tearing him up inside and the only thought running through his mind was his resolution to spare her the hurt she was going through. Moving quickly to her side, he knelt down near the chair and whispered "Miaka? Miaka listen to me." But she turned her head away, her shoulders still shaking brokenly with her sobs.  Taka almost went into a full-blown panic. It was really rare that Miaka would refuse to look at him and he was worried that the fight was about more than he perceived. "Miaka" he tried again "you know that I'm not ashamed of you. You managed to do so much in the book. You worked so hard and went through so much and came through it all still as whole as when you went in. That took a huge amount of effort and courage. Why would anyone be ashamed of showing the strength of his or her soul? And I do want you with me. I'm just scared that you'll overexert yourself. You were in bed all the way until this morning. I just wanted you to rest a little so that you wouldn't relapse or anything. I didn't mean to hurt you…" Taka was at a loss for any further words and for a few minutes, the silence in the room hung like a pall over them.

   Finally Miaka exhaled softly and wiped her tears away. She turned back to Taka and smiled at him weakly. "I'm sorry, Taka. You're right. You meant well. I guess I am more tired than I thought. Demo… I just thought that you would need me to help you and … it hurt when it appeared like you didn't. It felt like it didn't matter whether I was around or not…." The rest of her words were cut off as Taka leaned over to hug her to him. "Idiot" he whispered into her hair "you know how important you are to me. But I also know that this is just for a night and we've still got the rest of forever to work on what we find in the book. I do need you but just being in the same room is enough for me. I'd really rather have a happy and rested girlfriend than a grumpy or weepy one." Miaka smiled slightly. Taka grinned back at her before continuing, "Now at least lie down and try to rest. I'll lie down too. Okay?"

   Nodding in assent, Miaka lay down on the bed and immediately relaxed into its softness. Taka pushed his slippers off before lying down by her side as well. He tucked her in under the covers but made sure that he was lying on top of them. Even though Mrs. Yuuki had promised them privacy, she had expressly stated 'no hanky-panky' and Taka was not fool enough to give her reasons to suspect that anything untoward had taken place. Making sure that Miaka was settled comfortably, he opened the book up again and started to read from where he had last left off. 

   Miaka tried to stay awake but her eyes felt like they had lead weights attached to them. Curled up against Taka, with her small hand enveloped in his larger one, she was so warm and safe that she couldn't hold sleep off any more. Curling her limbs against him, she finally gave herself over to the safekeeping of the sandman. And all the while Taka read on and the book emitted its soft red light…

Author's note: - Down to the last 3 chapters now. Thank you for reading. Any reviews, constructive criticism or money is welcome.

As always I remain,

Diabolique.


	14. gone forever

   I know I haven't updated in quite a while, but for the first time it wasn't my fault – exams had made their presence felt and regardless of how unnecessary I consider them, the parents would have my hide for lower grades. Sigh… Oh well, at least I'm free now for three glorious months. Unfortunately, the computer has decided to go into out and out revolt and blew itself up over the weekend. Fortunately, nothing was damaged other than it's evil hard drive. I'm now writing on my laptop and will continue to do so. Sadly enough, my father often hijacks this particular laptop for his own nefarious purposes, so I don't know how often I will be able to update. I hope everyone will continue to bear with me. Jeva, welcome to the story. Glad to have you on board. I know it's a pain that the story is coming to an end, but I'm planning to redo the first couple of chapters later on, so maybe that counts as more? Momiji-chan! I've missed you so! You really do keep me writing - you are the paper to my pen, the force to my light-saber, the whip to my back… ahem! Moving on, Vi3t BabiI, I'm so glad that you consider the story well written. I'm still discovering myself as well as my styles along the way. It's nice to know that it's not gone unnoticed. And now I'll get back to the story… On, on and never a moment's waste…

   Chapter 14.

   It was the bright light shining through the curtains that woke Miaka first. That, and the urges of her bladder. Sitting up lazily, she stretched the kinks out of her back before making a hasty foray into her bathroom. Emerging fifteen minutes later and considerably more human, she walked back towards the bed.

   "Something's wrong here… I know it is…" she thought to herself. Nothing seemed to be out of place. The bed was messy as usual but that was to be expected in the mornings, the curtains were ajar but that was possibly because she had forgotten to draw them last night, the Book of the Four Gods was lying open on the chair beside her bed but that…

   "The book! Where's Taka? Why is the book not glowing anymore? What's going on?" Thoughts raced madly through her head as she half-raced, half-stumbled towards the chair. The book lay passively; it's last pages fluttering gently in the warm breeze that drifted in through the window. Miaka picked it up gingerly, half expecting to find a new story appearing on the last blank pages, but the book remained inert. No writing appeared, nor did any red light flash out and transport her back to Konan. Everything was silent and steady, almost eerily so. 

   Glancing around for Taka, Miaka noticed the crumpled imprint of his head on the pillow beside her. "So last night can't have been a dream" she confirmed with herself out loud, "so where is he now?" She checked to see if he had left any sort of note, but the desk and bedside table were conspicuously empty. In fact, the whole room suddenly appeared to be too empty for comfort. "Maybe he's downstairs" she thought, "he might have gotten hungry, or else, he might have wanted to get me something. He knows I'm always hungry in the mornings. It wouldn't be unlike him to think of something like that. And what with me still recovering, he might take the time to bring me breakfast in bed. In fact, I'm sure that's what he doing right now…" Ignoring the faint clutching of fear in her stomach, Miaka walked out of her room and down towards the kitchen. 

   While passing Keisuke's room, she noticed the soft sounds of snoring coming from within. Checking quickly, she noted that Keisuke was still asleep and was possibly bunking his morning lectures. Not that she blamed him. Given the state of her own nerves after last night, she never wanted to have to deal with high school again. She shut the door softly and continued downwards. But in the kitchen nothing greeted her but empty chrome counter-tops and a note from her mother pinned to the fridge that warned her not to order out since there was enough food in the fridge. The hall was empty as well, as was the storeroom and the attic during her frantic search. No Taka anywhere to be found. All there was left of him was a book that wasn't glowing anymore and a faint impression in her pillow…

   Miaka raced back into her room; heart pounding, palms sweating. It just wasn't possible that he had gone back into the book, was it? Wouldn't she have woken up? She would have felt the wrenching somehow… she would have…

   But the feeling hadn't come upon her and now the room was empty. There was no note, no sign that Taka had left calmly because he would have taken care to hide the book then. He would have remembered that her mother might come in and would have taken the time to put the book in her desk or at least place it under a pillow or something. He wouldn't have left it lying out in the open on a chair where anyone who walked in could see it. And even if he had, he would have left a note of some sort saying when he would be back. Taka was reliable as the tides – it was one of the things she loved about him. So that left only one option…

   He had returned to the book. Miaka moved slowly to take the book into her hands. Its heavy weight didn't reassure her for the first time since she had opened its pages. Instead it left her with an empty feeling inside. Taka was gone, back into the book, back into a world other than hers. She barely noticed the tears that had begun to streak down her cheeks. A powerful feeling was flooding her, a feeling she barely recognised. It took her a while to realize that it was rage – rage at Suzaku, a god that would give her everything and then take it away so soon, rage at herself for knowing this might occur and letting it happen anyway, rage at Taka for needing to read the book - mindless, blinding, all consuming rage. It surged through her body and into her arms. She tried ripping the book in her fury, but it stubbornly resisted. Through the depths of her anger, she realized that the book hadn't sent out a pulse of energy this time – no call for help or attempt to alert her. It had protected itself and remained stubbornly inert. Did this mean then that everything was complete? Was it preordained that Taka return to the book? Was that why he had been drawn to it so strongly ever since finding it? Then… where did that leave them?

   Sinking to her knees Miaka tried to process all her thoughts as they rushed through. "This can't be the end… it just can't! There's no way…" she mumbled softly, rubbing her hands over the pages gently, trying to seek entrance into the book. If Taka couldn't stay with her in this world then she would join him in his. But the book remained silent and no light welcomed her. She tried screaming Taka's name, Tamahome's name, but to no avail. She begged Suzaku to let her in but nothing occurred. She called for all the Gods, for Taitsu-kun, for anybody to help her, but the book just lay on her lap, pages fluttering slightly in the wind. 

   A thought suddenly occurred to her. "A connection, that's what I need! Something to connect both worlds. Something that existed in both worlds" Excited at this possibility, she rushed to her desk and yanked open the drawer to reveal Nuriko's bracelets. They had come from the other world, maybe they would do? But the didn't emit any of the energy of Suzaku. They glittered sharply on her wrists, but the book still refused her entrance.

   "They aren't working" she sobbed, "nothings working." Rocking back on her ankles she keened softly; the sound of grief wrenched from her throat. Rocking back and forth on the floor, the book sliding from her lap onto the ground, she wept. 

   And then, like a miracle, she noticed the slightly open door of her cupboard, and there, peeking through the numerous outfits, was a ragged edge of brown with a dark mottled stain. Bounding forward, she shoved all the clothes out of the way onto the floor, before carefully drawing out her old school uniform. The dried blood flaked lightly onto her hands, but this time she ignored it's presence. Clutching it to herself, she silently gave thanks to whatever impulse had possessed her to keep it. The blood on it would connect both the worlds, since not all of it had been hers. "It's almost fitting in a way" she thought "that I should return wearing the same uniform. I guess it really goes to show how things come in circles…"

   Miaka changed hurriedly, stripping out of the shorts and t-shirt that she had worn the day before and donning the shirt and skirt of her old school. She hurriedly fastened the waistcoat and yanked the ripped and rather threadbare jacket into place. Old mud flaked off the cuffs of her shirt and several rips gave evidence to past struggles but she ignored them, as well as the somewhat unpleasant smell of dried sweat that wafted to her nostrils. There was power within these clothes. The last time they had connected Yui and her, this time they would reconnect her with Taka. Or Tamahome. "Oh god! Which will it be?" she wailed, collapsing momentarily, strength sapped by this dilemma.

   "It doesn't matter… I'll get to that hurdle when I reach it…" Miaka picked herself up again and went toward the book. She looked longingly around the room one last time. She would miss everything in this world – her mother, Keisuke, Yui, all her other friends, the easy conveniences that she had learnt last time not to take for granted – everything. An overwhelming urge rushed through her to see Keisuke one last time, to feel him hug her and know that everything would be all right, because her big brother wouldn't let it be any other way. But Keisuke might try to stop her. She knew all too well that he feared what lay within the book, and with good reason, considering what had happened to Yui… and herself. He truly believed that the world inside the book was make-believe, but she knew better. And that was why she couldn't wake him to say goodbye.

   Gathering her courage, she gathered the book in her arms and harnessed all her ki. "Kai-jin" she whispered, pushing through the barriers around the book so that Suzaku might feel her plea. She deliberately blanked out all thoughts that suggested that he wouldn't grant the request she was about to make – the fact that the gods had denied Tatra and Suzano, the fact that not even the gods might have the power to keep her within the book for her life time, the fact that her three wishes had been made already, the fact that she was no longer a virgin – she blanked all thoughts out and concentrated only on the energy she could feel just out of her reach.

   "Suzaku, help me! Your miko entreats you!" she was almost unaware of the harsh currents of wind that were swirling around her or the glow that illuminated her body. All that filled her mind was the approaching presence of her god. And then suddenly, the room went dark and she could no longer feel the weight of the book. 

   Trembling, Miaka looked around and was encountered by more darkness. She stood in a void. Turning back to the front she was startled by the figure that filled her view, glittering red, eyes focused intently upon her face.

   "Suzaku" she breathed.

______________________________________________________________________________________

Author's note: - Down to the last two chapters. The next section is the reason why I started out the whole fic in the first place. Any suggestions, constructive criticism or warm wriggling puppies are more than welcome. I know I've ended on a bit of a cliffhanger, but I figured at least one was due in this story. I hope the chapter was worth the read. I haven't really checked it through cause Daddy needs the laptop and I don't know when I'll have another chance to upload anything. I guess I'll check this chapter as well during the re-haul. 

As always I remain,

(Evil and) diabolique.


	15. Answers

       I'm back after a long and restful vacation. I know I haven't updated in ages and I'm really sorry about that.  I'm hoping that everyone was willing to bear with my laziness and will continue to support the fic. The end is finally approaching. There's just one more chapter after this and then I'm going to put the whole story through the re-haul. To all my readers, with or without reviews, thanks so much for the support. It gives me this really warm feeling, knowing that someone out there is waiting for the next chapter of something that I've written. Here's the explanation you've been waiting for.

**Vi3t BabiI** – I'm so glad that you're enjoying the story this much and that you think it's deep. (She said deep…. Did you see? My story's deep! : Prances around the computer in glee: )

**virginangelic** – I'm afraid justice isn't quite served. You see, despite everything, I'm a sucker for a happy ending.  And even though the Miaka – Tamahome pairing isn't my favorite, I'm determined to see them happy at the end. So the whole point of the story was to show Miaka's growth as a person (to an extent) and to explain out something that has been messing with my mind for ages – Why did Miaka get the happy ending immediately when Suzano had to wait for it?

**Momiji-chan Wa Baka** – You've really stayed with this fic from beginning to end. This chapter is dedicated to you. I confess that I tend to hunt for your reviews, and they always leave me feeling good. (Ego well puffed up and raring to write more).  Hang on to your hat, there's only one more chapter to go.

**roku-kyu** – Just writing that name out here is an honor. Your stories are phenomenal! The depth, the concepts, the melding of two totally separate works of fiction… it's mind-boggling how well you've achieved it all. I'm so glad that you've enjoyed the story. (Can now die happy).

**Minako-hime **– I love that you think I have a great grasp on my style. (Covers Minako-hime's ears while irritating elder sister collapses in laughter) No seriously, I have a lot to learn. But I definitely think that if you read this story from the first chapter to the last, that you can actually see the improvement I've made. The grasp of English I owe to my father - He's a journalist, so the dictionary is practically an object of worship in my house. I'm really glad that you've enjoyed reading so far and I will try to keep up the good work.

     Chapter 15.

       "Suzaku" Miaka breathed.

     The phoenix god stood before her in his human form – eyes glittering deeply red and focused upon her pale face. Stunned for a moment, she stared at him. Her memories had somehow downplayed the brilliance of his features, the regality of his bearing, the latent power that was so easily visible even in his still form. Trembling slightly, she lowered her gaze to her feet and hastily dropped into a deep bow, head touching the formless base on which she stood in the void.

     When there was no immediate acknowledgement from the god standing before her, she began to panic. It had been easy enough to plan out the whole scenario in her head when she hadn't really been thinking of anything but joining Taka, but now all the discrepancies in her planning seemed to become clearly evident – she had nothing to offer the god at all. She had not performed the ceremony, she was no longer pure in body, nor had she any reason other than her own gain to ask for this favor. Suddenly, the chances of her plan succeeding began to look quite bleak.

   Lost in her own thoughts, she barely heard when the phoenix god began to speak.

  "Rise Maiden of Suzaku and tell me why I have been summoned."

     Miaka hastily scrambled back to her feet, unconsciously betraying her tension by surreptitiously wiping her palms on the back of her skirt. Gathering her thoughts, she looked up into the kindly eyes of the seikun and began her explanation.

   "Forgive me, Suzaku, for calling you out like this… I know that you have done so much for me already. Actually, that's why I needed to call on you…"

   Pausing to gather her thoughts, Miaka took a deep and fortifying breath. Suzaku remained silent, choosing perhaps to let her complete her explanation before making any decision. Miaka tried to focus, crushing the old skirt of her uniform between her fingers as she did so. The rancid smell it released made her hastily let go of the material and she flushed in shame. In her last call to Suzaku, it had been understandable that she had been poorly dressed – her battle with Nakago had not allowed her the normal preparations of cleansing and new clothes. This time, she had the opportunity, but had not considered the thought of wearing something more suitable to the calling out of a god. And yet… without wearing the clothes, she could not have called upon Suzaku… It was a fact, and yet, it made her feel ashamed to have to appear before the seikun thus. Seeking to explain her state, she immediately rushed into speech –

    "I'm so sorry about the uniform. It's the same one that I had used in the summoning the last time. I needed a link, you see, something that would connect both worlds… and this was all that I could find… I really don't mean any disrespect…"

     Trailing off, she looked up at Suzaku again. The god had a slight smile on his features. When he spoke, the words reverberated through her body, filling her with a sense of warmth and security.

   "There is no real need for the cleansing ceremony, nor is there need for new garments or sacrifices. A pure soul is the true requirement of any maiden to call upon me. The rest are merely trappings that can be discarded in times of need. Understand, my miko, that respect may be shown by that preparation and yet, the preparation can be discarded for a greater cause. However, I wish to know the reason for this summoning. Your three wishes were granted previously and more are not granted to any miko. Not only that, but I do not sense any of the Suzaku seishi with you, nor is the country in great need. Explain this."

     Miaka flushed slightly at the gentle rebuke. Her thoughts churned helplessly as the futility of her plan became evident once more on hearing Suzaku's words. She had already used all three wishes… Despairing, she bowed her head again before a sudden memory flashed through her mind. A memory of soft yet strong hands cradling her face and the scent of lavender  -

   _You're a lot stronger than you think, Miaka. Promise me that you'll never give up. _

   "Nuriko, it does seem like you're still rescuing me…" she whispered to herself. Pushing aside her doubts, she started her explanation –

   "Suzaku, I must thank you for sending Tamahome to my world to be with me. " The acknowledging nod that she received from the seikun gave her the courage to continue. " But recently things happened… Tamahome didn't have any of the memories of Konan, or our search for the shinzaho, or fighting Nakago… none of them! All he remembered was our promise to be together. Why… why wouldn't he remember the others?"

   Suzaku seemed to look at her deeply before answering. "Maiden of Suzaku, what was Tamahome's purpose in crossing the barrier between the worlds?" Miaka opened her mouth to answer, but Suzaku held up a hand to stop her before answering his own question. "It was to find you, to find his soul mate. Despite the fact that the other seishi were his brothers and bonded to him deeply, he did not share with them the bond that drew him to you. When he chose to give up his previous life and follow you to your own world, he ceased to be Tamahome, Suzaku seishi. He had to truly become an inhabitant of the new world in order for him to fit in. Thus his life had different experiences – in this world, he has not met any of the seishi, nor has he gone through the tests that he had to in the other world. And so, his bonds to them are not strong enough to hold against the barrier and he does not remember them. That does not mean that they do not remember him… However, he did remember you because the bond between the two of you was strong enough to draw him to you."

     Miaka considered this carefully. It did seem understandable. But the last few words in Suzaku's explanation made her wonder -

   " What do you mean 'that does not mean they do not remember him'? Does that mean that everyone is okay? Are Chichiri and Tasuki still alive? I thought with the time difference between the book and my world… that they might have passed away by now."

   Suzaku answered guardedly. "It _is_ true, that all the seishi had returned to their spirit forms."

   Miaka immediately pounced upon this. "Had returned. Then does that mean that they have been reincarnated as well? Are… are they… are they in the new world… with me?"

   Miaka gazed desperately into Suzaku's eyes, no longer avoiding his gaze. Yet, no matter how much she tried to discern the god's thoughts, she was unable to gain even a clue. Her expression turned pleading.

     "Are they? Hotohori… Nuriko… Tasuki… Chichiri… Mitsukake… Chiriko… is it true? Will I see them again? Will they be drawn to me too? Like Tama-"

     The seikun held up his hand once more to stop the flood of questions erupting from Miaka's mouth. Her joy was almost palpable, but it fizzled somewhat at his answer.

   "The seishi have been reincarnated. But the determination of which world is not up to me. Their souls will feel a calling from those who are dear to them, and that will help them to choose. They will make their own choices this time, as a reward for past deeds. If there is need for them, they will be called."

   Miaka nodded her head while processing this new information. Then this meant that there was a chance- a chance for her to see everyone once more, and this time there would be no danger, no rush to succeed no matter what – she could see them all again. And she wouldn't have to fight anyone this time. She was so caught up in her thoughts that it was a moment before Suzaku's last words penetrated her mind.

   _If there is need for them, they will be called._

   Did that mean then that Taka had been called? Was that why he had been so drawn to the book lately? She had to know… she just had to! If he had been called once more, then she would go as well to help him. He had promised never to leave her behind, and she had no intention of letting him break that promise.

   "Suzaku" she queried "has Tak… I mean, Tamahome been called back into the book? Because recently Taka was so drawn towards the book. All his memories began to return… and the book was glowing… and now it's stopped. Has he been called back to the other world? Because if so, I'm begging you to let me go with him. It wouldn't be fair to give us the chance to be together and then rip it away from us. It would be too cruel!"

   Suzaku gazed at her dispassionately. Desperately, she thought to make him consider.

   "Please! Answer me! Why take him away? Were we only allowed a certain amount of time together? Why? Why! It's not fair! At least let me go with him!"

   Miaka broke down sobbing while Suzaku remained silent. Her muffled "whys" were the only sounds as her knees buckled beneath her. When she finally looked up at him, her eyes were swimming with tears but her voice was soft as she gave voice to the question that had plagued her ever since she had met Taka.

   "Why us?" Suzaku looked confused for a moment before Miaka elaborated, her gaze turned downward once more. "Why did we get to be together? Why did we get to be happy when Tatra and Suzano didn't? Why?"

   Suzaku 's gaze softened and his voice once again took on its warm quality.

   "My miko, you must understand the circles that are present in life. When Suzano made her wish, she asked that she and her loved one exist together. But their work was not done as yet. And unfortunately, their work existed in separate worlds. Tatra was needed to remain here – to guard the shinzaho and to pass it to you when the time arrived. Whereas Suzano was needed to tell her story in the other world, so that assistance could be obtained in a time of emergency. As gods, my brothers and I do not have the power to change these circles. However, the souls of the Byakko no miko and her lover were united when their roles were played out. It was a tragedy that they could not be together," Suzaku's eyes shimmered for a moment "but their fate was already written."

   "Miaka, you were the last miko required to cross the barrier through The Book of the Four Gods. With the cycle of summoning completed, there was no reason why you could not be joined with your loved one as well. Accept the gift and cherish it all the more for its preciousness. As to your request to join Tamahome, it was already granted earlier and given as a gift. Such things do not occur twice. Return to your world and wait for the time when you will be together. That is all."

   And with those last words, Suzaku seemed to fade back into the void. Miaka scrambled to her feet and tried to race forward.

    "Wait! Suzaku! Please! Give him back to me! Please!"

   But her hands encountered only air before the bright colors of her room swam into focus once more. A dull shimmer of scarlet remained at the edge of her vision as the last cry of the phoenix echoed in her ears. Closing her eyes to the sight of her room, Miaka doubled over and gave into tears.

   "Taka…"

Author's note: - That's my explanation, take it or leave it. The final chapter will be out soon, probably within a week or two. If the explanation made little sense or if anyone has a better suggestion, then I'd love to hear it. Any comments, suggestions or constructive criticism are welcome. I'd appreciate no flames.

As always I remain.

(Completely) diabolique.


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